Thursday, December 9, 2010

Mirror Mirror

Hey Miss Lady,

Why are you so sad

Excuse me for prying

Didn't mean to make you mad

But first may I compliment you on the shoes

Girl they are bad

I'm just curious to know

What angers your soul

Why do you look so mean

When it seems you have everything

Your kind of class and your radiant smile

Your intellegent mind and phenomonal style

Oh I wouldn't understand... well just give it a try

Maybe i experienced my journey just to become your alibi

Did you pick and choose, blind to the rules and never looking back

Stopped all your fun, no longer a nun, even dropped your childish acts

He became your priority you became the minority and things just didn't make sense

Momma said No they ll be plenty mo but you were just convinced

No time for self got someone else's life to make a joy

Rushing and running, pushing and shoving got to get to lover boy

Things start to turn and you re not happy but he have no concern

Don't quite understand this couldn't be the man that makes your feelings burn




Well nobodies perfect

I just need to work with him

After all he knows no better

You know his mother wasn't there

And his father didn't care

So I just want him to know that I'm here

You call his phone

The rings seems long as curiosity ruptures in your belly

Oh he must be busy

Your thoughts get dizzy as you begin to pray

Lord please forgive me

I love him dearly

But need you to show me the way

I try to be there, I rub his hair and ask about his day

Maybe its me I can lose some weight and watch the things I say

Then maybe he'll love me and do something lovely like send some flowers my way

He has the potential if only he can do the things I know he's capable of

As life goes on I lived and learned that its impossible to force love

Miss Lady the man that's in your mind, is not the one that's in your face

It's not you who needs to change but it's him that needs to be replaced....

Ms. Analytical ~~~

Friday, June 18, 2010

who is that man

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT TOUCHES ME EVERY MORNING
SO GRACEFULLY AND STILL

WAKING ME UP, STARTING ME OFF, ENCOURAGING ME TO DO HIS WILL
I TALK TO HIM SOMETIMES AND ASK HIM TO LEAD MY WAY
BUT WHILE I'M STANDING IN THE MIRROR I CAN ONLY SEE MY FACE

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT CONSOLES MY INNER BEING
I'M HEARING HIM, I'M FEELING HIM, BUT YET HE IS UNSEEN

I'VE ASKED HIM FOR THINGS AND SOMETIMES HE DELIVERS RIGHT AWAY
I'VE SHARED DEEP MOMENTS WITH HIM I TRUST HIM TO NEVER SAY

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT MY SPIRIT SEEMS TO THIRST AFTER
THINKING ABOUT HIM, BEING AROUND HIM, WANTING TO BE CAPTURED

HOW IS IT THAT HE LOVES ME AND WHY AM I HIS CHOICE
HE WAS THE ONE THERE THAT NIGHT WHEN I CRIED OUT IN A LOUD VOICE

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT FORGIVES ME WHEN I'M WRONG
WHO CARES FOR ME, GENUINELY, AND GIVES MY SPIRIT A SONG

WHEN MY HEART IS FULL OF SORROW, HE REMINDS ME ABOUT TOMORROW
WHEN LIFE KICKS ME DOWN HE REMINDS ME OF HIS CROWN

WHO IS THIS MAN WHO PROTECTS ME WHEN I MAKE FOOLISH DECISIONS
WHO FIGHTS FOR ME AND GIVES ME PEACE AT NIGHT WHEN I'M ASLEEP

I CAN FEEL HIS PRESENCE FLOATING AROUND ME
I CAN ALMOST TASTE AND TOUCH HIM BUT STILL COULDN'T SEE

I KNOW HE'S A BEAUTIFUL MAN AND I NEVER SEEN HIS FACE
CAN EVEN TELL HE IS WORTHY AND NEVER BEEN IN HIS PLACE

WHO IS THIS MAN THAT I WANT TO GROW WITH AND HAVE NOT SEEN HIS EYES
NEITHER HIS HAIR NOR HIS LIPS, WHERE DOES HIS SECRET LIES........

CHARITA SHANNON

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Life ( A Learning Process)

When you go through life knowing...
You learn nothing....


When you recognize that you need to be taught...
You gain knowledge and wisdom...


When you go through life not being aware of who you are...
You do not realize your capabilities...


When you're not sure of yourself...

You become afraid to speak up...

When you put high expectation on anyone but God...

They fail you...

Be glad when people pay attention to your life...

It's when you are being ignored to worry...

Have faith and confidence in yourself....

So you won't depend on others for whom they are...

Knowing your worth at heart before combining you spirit with another....
Is sufficient....

If you are not aware of what you want...
You put up with what you got...


If your mate is to be an image of you...
Then push yourself to your highest standards and stay there...

Getting by is boring...
Earning your title, friends and respect is challenging...

Loving somebody is wonderful...
Having them love you back is priceless...

Having a purpose in life to fufill means that God is ahead of your life...
Living life without a purpose means the devil is on your tail.....

Charita Shannon

Thursday, May 6, 2010

MATTERS OF THE HEART (TRUE STUFF)

It felt uneasy and sensitive, like I ate something too cold and it hit my teeth. Every time I tried to walk it felt as if a loose piece of glass was in my foot and I couldnt get it. Trying to touch it was like I had a paper cut and every time I touched the paper I got another cut. OOohhh like every time I went to walk I would hit my toe on the bed frame. I could remember gently holding it and revealing it to a man I once loved. I can see myself explaining the feeling to him and exposing myself to him. I remember allowing him to touch it and as he took his two fingers and gazed across, it stung me. "Ouch" I screamed, looking at his hand wondering what have he touched me with. I still remember squiching my eyes and pulling back, ready to swing but leaving him blameless. "Just be more gentle this time", I opened my hands and exposed it to him repeatedly, he took the same two fingers and touched it again while staring me in the eyes as if he discovered something about me. I yelled "You're hurting me, carressing it and trying to pull back, but his same two fingers are there and he presses again, this time without my permission, he's tugging at it. My knees are buckling, eyes are watering, my voice is cracking, fingers shaking as I'm trying to grab hold to it. I called his name, tried to look him in the eyes to explain to him that the way he was tugging at it was hurting me......... But he didnt stop. There was a hole around my heart.....







Then I woke up and remembered..... I asked God to show me what's to come of this relationship between me and this guy and that's just what he did. Be careful who you expose your heart to.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

SETTING BOUNDARIES

I'VE COME TO LEARN THAT WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GUIDE YOUR LIFE IN ONE DIRECTION, IN A WORLD FULL OF TURNS, YOU MUST ESTABLISH STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE. WHO TO LET IN, WHO TO LET OUT, LOVING SOMEONE CLOSE AND LOVING THEM FROM A DISTANCE. HOW TO MANAGE WHAT YOU ALLOW THE EYE TO SEE. WHO DO WE SET BOUNDARIES FOR? SELF OR OTHER PEOPLE? I'M STARTING MY BOUNDARIES FOR SELF. NOW I KNOW WHY I USE TO BEAT UP AND BLAME MY SELF FOR THINGS, BECAUSE I KNEW, HAD I NOT DID THIS THEN, THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPEN. THE devil IS SNEAKY AND HE WILL DECEIVE YOUR MIND IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO. WHEN I USE TO THINK OF HIM I USE TO EXPECT THIS BIG DANGEROUS MONSTER ,WHO IS JUST A DANGER TO THE WORLD. IN A SENSE, I WAS RIGHT ,BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE devil WAS ONCE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN. NOW I REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE THE devil FOR WHO HE IS AND HOW HE WORKS THROUGH PEOPLE. I HAVE TO KNOW THE TRICKS OF THE ENEMY, BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHO HE IS AND CALL HIM OUT. I USE TO BE SOO HURT BY THE WAY I ALLOWED CERTAIN PEOPLE TO TREAT ME. AND DIDNT WANT TO SPEAK ON THINGS BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULD CHANGE OR WOULD REALIZE HOW THEY WERE HURTING ME. AND THE CRAZY PART IS, SOMETIMES THEY WOULDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WERE HURTING ME OR DIDNT CARE. WHEN I ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON IN MY LIFE UNCONCIOUSLY I WOULD BEGIN TO HURT MY SELF MORE. ACCEPTING THE WAY THEY WERE ABUSING ME MENTALLY. THE MORE THINGS WERE EXPOSED TO MY MIND, THE EASIER IT BECAME FOR ME TO DEAL WITH.

I KNEW DEEP DOWN SOMETHINGS JUST WEREN'T RIGHT BUT GAVE UP MY FIGHT AT ONE POINT, ONLY TO KEEP THE THINGS THAT WAS CONSTANTLY BREAKING ME.(SMH) I AM GLAD FOR CONVICTION OF THE SPRIT BECAUSE IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE WILL DO CERTAIN THINGS TO YOU OR AROUND YOU BUT ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WITH THE NEXT PERSON. TALK A DIFFERENT WAY, WALK A DIFFERENT WAY, HANDLE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE IT AND SAY IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM I BEEN TRYING TO GET THEM TO DO THAT FOREVER", AND HERE THIS PERSON COME AND DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK AND THEY GOT IT TOGETHER.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE WITH US? STRUCTURE, BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU. IT IS UP TO ME TO HAVE BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF, TO PROTECT MY SPIRIT, MY FEELING, MY THOUGHTS. TO BE ABLE TO UPHOLD MY SELF IN THE POSITION I WANT TO BE IN. I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR HAPPINESS FOR PEACE AND WHEN GOD GIVES IT TO ME. I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HOLD ON TO IT CAUSE WITH OUT IT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO MAKE IT. WHEN I ALLOW PEOPLE TO COME IN AND RAIN ON MY JOY, THEN GO ON ABOUT THEIR LIFE, I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY GO BACK TO GOD AND ASK HIM FOR THAT PEACE AGAIN, THAT JOY CAUSE I CAN'T FUNCTION. AND YET THE PERSON I ALLOWED TO COME IN AND STEAL MY JOY IS ON TO THE NEXT ONE. I NEED STRUCTURE I NEED BOUNDARIES FOR ME.

THE WAY I'M FEELING DETERMINES THE SETTING OF MY DAY. IF I AM NOT HAPPY OR CONTENT WHERE I AM AT, IT'S EASY TO INFLUENCE ME TO DO THINGS. TAKE THE EASY ROUTE OUT. GODS ALWAYS REMINDS ME THAT I DON'T WANT THAT. I REALIZED THAT IF YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR YOU TO FUNCTION AND FIGHT YOUR DAILY BATLLES, YOU CAN'T HELP NO ONE ELSE. GOD SAYS THE DO'S AND DON'T'S FOR A REASONS. DONT ALLOW THE EYE TO EXPOSE ANYTHING TO THE MIND, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT'S REALLY NOT GOOD FOR YOU. SOMETIMES I NEED TO SAY I DON'T MEAN NO HARM BUT I DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS,I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO PUSH PEOPLE OUT OF MY LIFE WHO DOESN'T MEAN ANY GOOD BY ME. EVEN THE ONES I LOVE, I HAVE TO LOVE THEM FROM A DISTANCE.

WHY DO I NEED BOUNDARIES FOR SELF? I DO BECAUSE I NEED PROTECT MY SPIRIT, SO THAT IT CAN BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GUIDE MY FLESH. I CAN'T CONTINUE TO LET THE devil USE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE TO MANIPULATE MY THOUGHTS. YOU MAY NOT NOTICE RIGHT NOW, BUT EVER TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR SELF WHEN YOU'RE FEELING HAPPY. ME PERSONALLY, I SMILE GENUINELY, I SAY NICE THINGS, MY PATIENCE GROWS, I DO NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE. I FEEL GREAT MY BODY FEELS ALIVE. WHEN I AM NOT HAPPY, I DO THINGS TO HURT MYSELF AND NOT EVEN NOTICE. I LET PEOPLE SAY ANYTHING TO ME, I TEND TO PUT UP WITH NEGATIVITY, I OVER EAT, I DRINK HEAVILY, I TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, YELL AT KYRA (MY DAUGHTER) ,I'M FULL OF FRUSTRATION. MY PATIENCE DECREASE AND I SLEEP A LOT AND STILL WAKE UP TIRED, ABUSING MY SELF AND NOT EVEN REALIZING IT.

I THEN GO TO GOD AND CONFESS AND HE RENEWS MY SPIRT. (THANK YOU GOD). I GET TIRED THOUGH OF SITTING DOWN LIKE A PUNK FOR THE devil AND ALLOWING HIM TO USE PEOPLE TO ABUSE MY SPIRIT, RAPE MY FLESH, AND STEAL MY JOY. I STARTED SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF NOT TO GET LOST IN SIN. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING ON THEIR OWN, SAYING I WILL NEVER BE A HYPE OR I WILL NEVER END UP LIKE HIM OR HER. THE TRUTH IS IF YOU DON'T START CONTROLLING YOU ACTIONS AND THE THINGS THAT YOU EXPOSE TO THE MIND NOW, YOU CAN VERY WELL BE JUST LIKE THAT PERSON. DID YOU THINK THEY KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO END UP THAT WAY. THEY PROBABLY TRIED IT ONE TIME AND IT FELT SO GOOD TO THE BODY THAT THEY CAN'T STOP WANTING IT NOW. THEY KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THEM. THEY KNEW IT WAS BEFORE THEY TRIED IT BUT SOME HOW THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD CONTROL. I MEAN THAT GOES FOR ANYTHING, DRUGS, FOOD, LIQUOR , SEX, CIGARETTES, GOSSIP, LUST, CANDY, GAMBLING, THROWING UP YOUR FOOD. ANYTHING.

THE devil IS A LIAR. HE COMES TO KILL ,STEAL AND DESTROY. KILL YOU RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD, STEAL YOUR JOY FROM THE SPIRIT, AND DESTROY YOUR SOUL. DO YOU THINK IF YOU ARE HAPPY, YOU WOULD CHANGE YOUR WAYS... NO THAT'S WHY HE HAVE TO TAKE THAT HAPPINESS AWAY TO MAKE THE SPIRIT WEAK. I USE TO FALL FOR IT A LOT. I KNOW NOW THOUGH, I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING IN THE devil's DITCH. IT'S EASIER SAID THEN DONE BUT WHEN YOUR MIND IS MADE UP AND YOURE TIRED OF PEOPLE RAINING ON YOUR PARADE, PULLING YOU OFF YOUR SQUARE, AND HURTING YOUR EELINGS. YOU'LL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER TO KEEP YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. AND HOPE THAT THEY GET THERES TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW I LOOK AT MYSELF AND OTHERS SOMETIMES. IT'S LIKE A LOOSE, LOOSE SITUATION FOR ME TO TRY TO PLAY IN THE devil's COURT YARD WITH A SPIRIT OF GOD. I DON'T BELONG THERE, THERES NO TRUE LOVE TO RECIPROCATE THERE, THERE IS NO FAITH, THERE'S NO HOPE, NO TRUTH. HOW DO I PLAN TO MAKE IT THERE IT'S LIKE BEING AN HONEST GANGBANGER OR A SINNER WITH MANNERS. IT JUST DON'T WORK. I CAN'T SERVE TWO MASTERS. OR CONNECT WITH PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE AS ME. IT'S BAD INFLUENCE, TOO COMFORTABLE FOR ME TO SIN. BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED TO KEEP THE devil OUT OF MY LIFE. TO KEEP GROWING EVIL SPIRITS OFF OF MY BACK, TO KEEP MY SPIRIT FUNCTIONING, HAPPY AND CLEAN. I LOVE SMILING DAILY BEING ABLE TO REFLECT ON THE THINGS THAT GOD PROVIDES IN MY LIFE. TRUE JOY, THERE JUST BECAUSE GOD SITS ON THE THORNE. NOTHING SPECTACULAR HAD TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT SMILING BECAUSE I GOT A CHECK OR MY BOYFRIEND WAS OVER LAST NIGHT BUT THAT JOY YOU HAVE JUST BECAUSE GOD STILL SITS ON THE THRONE. IMAGINE THAT!!!!!

Friday, April 2, 2010

LETTING GO

WOW THE AFFECTS OF MUSIC!!! I SAT IN MY SISTER'S CAR YESTERDAY READING, STARTING WITH PSALMS( WHICH IS A GOOD BOOK TO START OFF READING). I READ FOR A WHILE, THEN I STARTED LISTENING TO THE MUSIC SHE WAS PLAYING. ALL THE JAMS FROM THE OLDIES TO THE GOODIES. EVERY SONG SWAYED A MEMORY AND I EITHER STARTED REMINISING ON THE OLD DAYS OR MISSING THE MAN WHOSE NO LONGER IN MY LIFE. ONE SONG I BEGAN TO FEEL SAD, ANOTHER HAPPY, THE OTHER ONE SPITEFUL ANOTHER ONE READY. EVERY MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP I MOSTLY PLAY "IT AINT OVER" AND MARY MARY "IT'S THE GOD IN ME". THOSE SONGS JUST INSPIRES ME IN THE MORNING REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S BEEN OR WHAT' S TO COME. THE MIND HAS TO BE A POWERFUL OBJECT BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHAT I STORE THERE, CONTROLS HOW I FEEL. I LAID MY HEAD BACK ON A COUPLE OF SONGS THINKING ABOUT MY EX AND THINKING ABOUT HOW FUN THOSE DAYS WERE. SHOULD I LIVE BASED ON MY PAST? HOW DO I LET THE PAST GO? I KNOW THE BIBLE SAYS DONT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW FOR TOMORROW WORRIES ABOUT ITSELF. BUT WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YESTERDAY? SHOULD I WONDER IF I'M EVER GOING TO GET BACK WITH THE MAN I LOVE? SHOULD I WONDER IF HE LOVED ME? SHOULD I WONDER IF MY CHILDS FATHER IS EVER GOING TO BE A FATHER TO HER? I'M THINKING TO MYSELF NO BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT BUT WHAT DOES GOD SAY? NATURALLY I WORRY BUT THE CRAZY PART IS I'M JUST REALIZING THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER NOTHING BUT WHAT GOD GAVE ME AND THAT'S CHOICE OVER MY LIFE. WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL ,BUT NOT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT I CAN? SOMETIMES I FEEL SO STUPID FOR THE CHOICES I MADE IN THE PAST WITH MEN. AND IT'S SEEMS SO HARD FOR ME TO GET OVER THIS ONE. I USE TO ALWAYS SAY DID HE REALLY LOVE ME? WHAT IS LOVE? HOW IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH? I KNOW IM A GOOD WOMAN I KNOW I HAVE FLAWS TOO BUT WORKABLE ONES. I HAD TO ASK MYSELF WHY AM I CHASING SOMETHING THAT I KNOW IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I ALWAYS SEEN GOOD IN HIM I THINK THAT HE HAVE A GOOD HEART BUT HIS GOOD POTENTIALS WASN'T FOR ME. I GUESS HE SAVED THEM FOR THE WOMAN HE'S WITH NOW. ALTHOUGH WE ARE NOT TOGETHER I STILL LOVE HIM AND PRAY THAT HE KEEPS GOD IN HIS HEART, BUT WHY AND WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO? SERIOUSLY IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS MY DREAM GUY.. LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, SENT ME FLOWERS, SPOILED ME, WENT TO CHURCH WITH ME, TOOK ME ON DATES. WE DID HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL THOUGH WE TALKED, ARGUED AND PARTIED TOGETHER BUT FROM WHAT I CAN SEE HE WAS SEEKING JUST LIKE I WAS. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS POTENTIALS THAT I SEEN HE COULD BE AND THE MORE I TRIED TO GET HIM TO BECOME THAT THE WORST IT BECAME. I SOMETIMES THINK LIKE IT'S OKAY I'M GOOD, I KNOW I AM A GOOD WOMAN. I KNOW THAT I WILL SUCEED IN LIFE, I KNOW THAT I WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO AGREES WITH ME. BUT THE TRUTH IS WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE I STILL MISS HIM, WILL STILL TAKE HIM BACK KNOWING DEEP DOWN THAT IT WOULDN'T WORK FOR US UNLESS WE CHANGE. WHY IS THAT? WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TOO? HOW COME IF I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER THEN I SETTE FOR LESS. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN MEN AND WOMEN USE TO DATE AND EVEN IF THEY WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP THEY DIDNT HAVE TO LIVE TOGETHER. WHEN THEY REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH EACHOTHER WHEN THEY WERE IN LOVE THE MAN PROPOSED? WHY IS IT SO MUCH DIFFERENT NOW? HOW CAN PEOPLE JUST KNOWING MESS OVER A WOMANS HEART AND DON'T HAVE ANY REMORSE.WITH HIM I FELT LIKE I HAD A SECOND JOB CATERING, BUT WASNT RECEIVING NOTHING IN RETURN BUT TO SAY I HAVE A MAN. BACK THEN WHEN THE WIFE HAD THOSE DUTIES OF COOKING , CLEANING AND DOING THE LAUNDRY, BATHEING THEIR HUSBANDS. THE MEN BROUGHT IN THE INCOME SO THAT MADE SINCE BUT NOW DAYS YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THAT AND WORK JUST AS MANY HOURS AS THEY DO. HOW IS THAT FAIR I GET TIRED TOO, I WOULD LIKE FOR MY BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND TO COOK FOR ME ONE DAY. WHY AM I CHASING SOMEONE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT? WHY DO I DEGRADE MY SELF TO PUT UP WITH SOMEONE WHO MAY NOT EVEN LOVE ME. I HAVE NEEDS, I NEED A MAN WHOSE PREPARED TO BECOME A HUSBAND AS WELL AS A FATHER. I COME IN A PAIR JAKYRA AND I. I NEED A MAN WHO LOVES GOD AND NOT ONLY HIMSELF. I DON'T KNOW IF IM PREPARED YET BUT I DEFINITELY KNOW THAT I AM TIRED OF HOLDING ON TO MESS. I KNOW NOW THAT GOD HAVE A BETTER PLAN FOR ME, AND NO GOOD THING WILL HE HOLD FROM ME AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO TRUST THAT AND TO WAIT ON GOD. I WANT THE LOVE THAT HE DESCRIBE IN THE BIBLE ABOUT LOVE BEING PATIENCE, CARING AND WHAT LOVE IS NOT. I ONCE READ THAT "IF A MAN WANTS YOU THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO PUSH HIM AWAY, AND IF A MAN DOESN'T WANT YOU THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HIM STAY".

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Upholding My Position

WELL YESTERDAY WAS A MESS. (SMH) I ASKED MY SELF THIS MORNING WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT WRITNG TODAY. I SAID "WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE A TITLE BUT I CAN'T FILL THE POSITION". I'VE NEVER REALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE TITLES I UPHOLD IN MY LIFE. I'M A CASEMANAGER, I'M A SUPERVISOR, I'M A MOTHER, AN AUNTIE, A SISTER, A BIG COUSIN, A FRIEND, A CHURCH MEMBER, A CHRISTIAN. THOSE ARE MY TITLES BUT AM I FILLING THE POSITIONS THAT GOD HAS REQUIRES ME TO DO. IT IS SOOOO EASY TO DO WRONG ESPECIALLY WITH OTHERS WHO ARE DOING WRONG, BUT I SEEN AND WAS TAUGHT A LESSON LAST NIGHT. I'M NOT PROUD TO TELL THIS BUT I AM PROUD TO SAY WHAT I LEARNED. IT WAS SO NICE OUT YESTERDAY THAT WE ALL DECIDED TO BARBEQUE. I CARRIED MY BIBLE IN MY PURSE YESTERDAY SO I COULD AT LEAST STARTING READING SOMETHING DAILY. WHEN WE GOT TO THE GROCERY STORE I JUST OPENED THE BIBLE I SAID TO MY SELF, " DANG I NEED A BIBLE THAT HAVE THE SUBJECTS IN THEM TOWARDS WHAT YOURE FEELING". I WAS FEELING ANGRY OR AGITATED FOR SOME REASON. I READ PSALMS 18 ( WENT ABOUT THREE PAGES) NOT MUCH BUT IT'S A START. AND SPEAKING ON THAT YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT THE THINGS YOU FIND AND HOW YOUR ANSWERS THAT YOU ARE SEEKING ARE THE ONES THAT YOURE NOT READING. HAVE YOU EVERY NOTICED SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT YOUR SELF OR HAVE SOME BODY EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY LIKE OR ADMIRE ABOUT YOU? OR HAVE SOMEONE EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY DONT LIKE OR UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOU? AND TO ALL THE ABOVE YOU BE LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THAT, IT'S JUST "ME". I DONT KNOW WHY I LOOK AT THINGS THAT WAY "I GUESS THAT'S ME". I WAS RIGHT, THE WAY GOD DESIGNED ME IS EXACTLY WHO I'M SUPPOSE TO BE AND THAT WEIRD THING THAT I HAVE IS JUST THE VERY THING THAT MAKES ME SPECIAL. I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO USE IT RIGHT NOW OR WHERE IT APPLYS TO, BUT WHEN GOD POSITIONS ME AND I AM ABLE TO FULL THE DUTIES REQUIRED THAN THAT VERY THING ABOUT ME I WILL KNOW HOW TO USE. IT WILL SHOW IT'S PURPOSE. THAT'S CRAZY HOW I USE TO TRY TO DESIGN MY IMAGE TO FIT THE WORLD AND YET THAT WAS THE VERY REASON THAT I WAS CONFUSED. BACK TO YESTERDAY, WE STARTED DRINKING AND LAUGHING AND DRINKING. THE POLICE CAME AND TOLD US THAT WE HAD TO LEAVE IT WAS ABOUT 11:00 P.M. NOW I LOVE THOSE SPECIFC OFFICERS I REALLY DO I HAVE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM. THEY HAVE REALLY BEEN SUPPORTIVE TO MY FAMILY WITH ASSISTING WITH MY NEPHEW. I SHOWED THEM A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF MY SELF. I WAS ONCE TOLD IN BIBLE STUDY THAT YOU LOSE YOUR POWER WHEN YOU DRINK AND YOU REALLY DO. I DEFINITELY LOST MINE. AFTER THE OFFICERS ASKED US TO MOVE WE WENT TO STATE STREET AND CONTINUED TALKING AND CHILLIN. EVENTUALLY THE SARGEANT AND THE OTHER DETECTIVES CAME AGAIN. NOW MY AUNT AND I WERE SITTING IN THE CAR LISTENING TO THE RADIO. SHE WAS IN THE DRIVER SIDE (EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN'T DRIVE), AND I WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. WHEN THEY PULLED UP THEY ASKED HER FOR HER LICENSE. I INSTANTLY CUT IN A SAID WHY DO SHE HAVE TO SHOW YALL LICENSE SHE JUST SITTING IN THE CAR. THEY TOLD ME TO MIND MY BUSINESS. ME CONTINUING TO TALK AND YELL (DRUNK, DRUNK, DRUNK) UNTIL I PISSED THEM OFF AND THEY ALL SAID CUFF HER SHE'S GOING TO JAIL. OH I DIDN'T CARE AT THE TIME (IM FULL OF LIQUOR), I KEPT YELLING TALKING BOUT I WILL GO TO JAIL JUST LET ME OUT FOR WORK TOMORROW (SILLY). THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE BECAUSE I HAD FAVOR WITH THEM. I WAS SO DRUNK I BLEW IT AGAIN ( JUST MAKING A FOOL OF MY SELF AND NOT EVEN REALZING IT). THE LADY LET ME OUT THE CAR AND SAID NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO. (WOW AS IM WRITING THIS IT IS STILL TRIPPING ME OUT) I SAID BOLDLY DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO . EVERYBODY IS SAYING JUST SHUT UP CHARITA BUT YOU COULDN'T TELL ME NOTHING I JUST FELT SO SINCERE WITH MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF. THEY THREW ME BACK IN THE CAR. WHEN THEY TOOK ME TO THE POLICE STATION. THEY STILL WERE TRYING TO TALK TO ME THEY HAD TO KNOW I WASN'T MY USUAL SELF. THE OFFICER EVEN EXPLAINED TO ME THE LAW (AFTER CALLING ME A SMART ASS) . HE WAS RIGHT, I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I WAS SURELY GOING TO LOOK THAT UP WHEN I GOT HOME. NOW THAT I AM SOBER I DON'T EVEN NEED TO LOOK IT UP IT MAKES SENSE. IT WOULD HAVE LAST NIGHT HAD I NOT BEEN INTOXICATED. I SEE NOW THOUGH, WHEN I AM DRUNK I ALLOW THE DEVIL TO USE ME, TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME SERIOUSLY. EVERY THING HE SLIPS IN MY MIND MAKES SENSE, SEEMS RIGHT AT THE TIME, IT'S NOT EMBARASSING AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. IT'S LIKE YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT ALL THE WRONG THINGS. I'M NOT SAYING THAT I WOULDN'T DARE THINK OF THINGS WHEN IM SOBER BUT I AM ABLE TO CONTROL THINGS BETTER. ONE OFFICER SAID SOMETHING TO ME LAST NIGHT THAT STUCK WITH ME. HE STATED I WAS NOT TALKING TO YOU, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET IN IT. I SAID I WAS SPEAKING FOR HER. HE SAID AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU. I THOUGHT TODAY HOW AM I'M GOING TO SPEAK FOR HER THAT NIGHT IN THE POSITION I WAS IN. HOW CAN I SPEAK FOR ANYBODY DOING THE EXACT SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING? I WAS BLENDING IN MORE WITH THE CROWD THAN STANDING OUT, AND THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE SUPPOSE TO HEAR ME OUT. (LOL WOW) I THOUGHT ABOUT GOD. HOW DO I EXPECT GOD TO GIVE ME A TITLE WHEN I CAN'T UPHOLD THE POSITION. I WANT THE JOB TITLE BUT CAN'T NO WON'T DO NONE OF THE JOB DESCRIPTIONS. LIKE HE OWES ME SOMETHING. HE'S GOD NOT ME AND HE'S NOT GOING TO TRUST ME WITH THE MANY GIFTS AND BLESSING THAT HE WANTS ME TO HAVE BECAUSE I'M NOT READY. THAT'S HOW I USE TO FEEL WITH MY COUSINS AND MY CAR. I WOULD LET ONE DRIVE BUT NOT THE OTHER. I DIDN'T MIND NEITHER OF THEM DRIVING HAD THEY BEEN PREPARED. ONE COUSIN HAD HER LICENSE, SHE DROVE SAFE, AND HAD SOME WHERE TO GO. SO YES I WOULD PUT MY KEYS IN HER HANDS AND TRUST HER WITH THEM. OH BUT THE OTHER ONE, HAD NO LICENSE, NO TRAINING, AND NO WHERE TO GO. NO NOT AT ALL WILL I GIVE YOU MY KEYS ,GO GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER FIRST. HE ACTUALLY USE TO BE MAD LIKE I WAS SUPPOSE TO GIVE HIM MY CAR CAUSE HE WAS JUST HIM. I'M THINKING NO, HELL NO, I WORK TO HAD FOR THIS AND IF YOU MESS IT UP YOU CAN'T REPLACE IT I WILL HAVE TO. THE NERVE OF ME HOW DO I THINK GOD FEELS. HIS PLAN I KNOW IS WAY BIGGER THAN MY CAR AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO DEFECT IT. THE SPIRIT THAT THE LORD SEND US WON'T DWELL IN AN UNCLEAN TEMPLE. WHAT HE GIVES ME IS PRICELESS AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO MISUSE IT. HERE I AM WANTING ANOTHER JOB, BUT HAVENT NEARLY FULFILLED THE DUTIES OF THE ONE I HAVE. AND I WANT GOD TO BLESS ME WITH A BETTER AND BIGGER POSITION. I WANT TO SPEAK FOR PEOPLE BUT ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING AND EXPECT GOD TO MOVE. IMMA FOOL RIGHT. I'M GETTING IT THOUGH. IN ORDER FOR GOD TO REVEAL TO ME MY PURPOSE I HAVE TO BE READY TO ACCEPT IT. IN ORDER FOR ME TO HEAR HIS VOICE I HAVE TO BE IN POSITION TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT HE'S TELLING ME. IF I WANT CHRIST TO USE ME I HAVE TO BE AVAILABLE, READY, PREPARED AND SOBER. I JUST CAN'T KNOW I CAN DO IT, I HAVE TO SHOW THAT I CAN DO IT THROUGH MY ACTIONS.I DEFINITELY OWE THOSE COPS AN APOLOGY AND AM NOT PLEASE WITH MY ACTIONS BUT NO DRINKING TODAY. THEY LET ME OUT TEN MINUTES AFTER I GOT TO THE STATIONS, GUESS I STILL HAD THEIR FAVOR. LESSONED LEARNED.LORD FORGIVE ME.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Driving

I WAS SITTING HERE EARLIER THINKING ABOUT THE SYMBOLIZATIONS OF LIFE. YESTERDAY I WAS TEACHING MY SISTER HOW TO DRIVE (SHE WILL NEVER ADMIT IT CAUSE SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS HOW ALREADY). WHEN SHE FIRST GOT IN TO THE CAR I SAID NOW CHECK YOUR MIRRORS AND ADJUST YOUR SEAT. SHE STATED "DONE SWEETIE' . MY DRUNK COUSIN WAS IN THE BACK MAKING LOUD NOISES AND TELL HER TO PULL OFF. SHE WAS SOOO NERVOUS SHE TOLD HIM HE HAD TO GET OUT CAUSE SHE COULD DRIVE HER CAR WITH HIM. HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A DISTRACTION. WE PUT HIM OUT AND CONTINUED TO BEGAN DRIVING, NEXT SHE SAYS NALL I CAN'T DO THIS IMMA JUST WAIT YOU TAKE IT CHARITA. I SAID NO I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DRIVE YOU NEED TO LEARN, I'M NOT TAKING YOU THAT FAR JUST TO THE CORNER SO YOU CAN GET A FEEL OF IT. SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND PROCEEDED TO PULL OFF SHE STOPPED AGAIN AND STATED IM JUST GONE WAIT TO THE NEXT RED LIGHT COME SO I CAN GO. I STATED NO GO OUT NOW THERE AREN'T ANY CARS COMING. SHE PULLED OUT FOOT STILL ON THE BREAK LOL. STOP PED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. WE ALL WERE SAYING CHEENA YOU HAVE TO GO YOU CAN'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET YOU HAVE TO GO. TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BREAK AND JUST GO YOU DONT HAVE TO SPEED JUST EASE ON THE GAS. SHE DID AND DROVE VERY SLOWLY KEPT STOPPING HITTING THE BREAKS THEN THE GAS. MY OTHER SISTER CAME AROUND THE SIDE OF HER AND JUST PASSED HER UP AND GAVE HER THE DUECES. WE LAUGH AND SAID JUST TAKE YOUR TIME DON'T FOCUS ON HER. SHE MADE IT TO THE PARKING LOT HER HANDS WERE SHAKING, SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND SAID S--- I NEED A CIGARETTE NOW. I TOLD HER - SEE YOU MADE IT ALL YOU NEED IS TO PRACTICE IT EVERY DAY AND SOON YOU WILL BE A PRO. LATER ON THAT DAY SHE BUILT UP MORE CONFIDENCE TO DRIVE AGAIN AND WANTED TO DRIVE TO MAXWELLS. NOW WHEN WE GOT IN THE CAR AS USUAL I WENT ON TO INSTRUCT HER. SHE WAS VERY RESIST, SHE KEPT SAYING I KNOW, I GOT IT, EVERY TIME I SAID YOU GETTING TO CLOSE SHE SAID I GOT THIS I KNOW. I KEPT TRYING TO TELL HER TO JUST LISTEN I KNEW SHE CAN DO IT BUT SHE ONLY DROVE THAT ONE TIME AND JUST KNEW SHE HAD IT. I TRIED TO KEEP MY COOL I KEPT SAYING JUST LISTEN YOU DONT HAVE IT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN. SHE JUST KEPT SAYING I KNOW- RIGHT WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING RIGHT INTO THE POLE. I BEGAN YELLING THEN SAYING YOU HAVE TO TURN YOUR WHEEL, SHE KNEW SHE KNEW SHE KNEW. AFTER ALMOST REACHING THE POLE I GRABBED THE WHEEL AND TURNED US IN TO SAFETY. THEN SHE WANTS TO LAUGH AND SIGH. SHE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY YOU HAVE TO STOP YELLING. I SAID I DIDN'T YELL UNTIL YOU ALMOST LEAD US INTO DESTRUCTION. I SAID I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT BUT YOU CAN'T LEARN IN ONE DAY. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO DIRECTIONS. YOU CAN'T GET SOME INSTRUCTIONS AND THINK YOU JUST GOT IT ON YOUR ON. AS I LAUGHED ABOUT THAT EARLIER I REALIZED THAT THE SAME THING I WAS TELLING HER I NEEDED TO APPLY IT TO MY LIFE. I CAN'T JUST HEAR GOD ONE DAY THEN THINK I CAN TAKE OVER FROM THERE. THAT'S HOW I BECOME LOST AND TRAPPED IN THE SAME CIRCLE THAT I NEEDED HIM TO FREE ME FROM. AS MY FRIEND WOULD SAY YOU PRAY, GOD GRANTS IT, THEN YOU SAY OKAY GOD I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. MY LIFE SYMBOLIZED THIS ONE EVENT. IF I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW I FIRST NEED A TEACHER. ON MY JOURNEY EVERYONE CANT RIDE I HAVE TO GET RID OF THE DISTRACTIONS. I HAVE TO BE BOLD TO GIVE IT A CHANCE. FUNNY THE WAY MY SISTER JUST STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET IT WAS DANGEROUS BUT AT THE TIME THERE WERE NO CARS COMING. THAT COULD REPRESENT GOD PROTECTING MY ON MY JOURNEY. I WAS REALLY PONDERING ON HOW SHE WANTED ANOTHER RED LIGHT TO FLASH JUST SO SHE CAN GO. I FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES I JUST NEED THE WORLD TO STOP SO I CAN GO SO I CAN BE SAFE SO I CAN COME OUT. HOW I WANT EVERYBODY ELSE TO STOP DOING WHATEVER I STOP DOING SO I CAN MOVE FORTH. I KEPT TELLING HER GIRL GO YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR ANOTHER LIGHT FOR WHAT THIS IS YOUR TIME NOW. YOU GOT IT JUST GET OUT THERE. I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY FRIENDS TO CHANGE JUST CAUSE I WANT TO BUT IF I LIVE FOR GOD ALONE I CAN INSPIRE THEM AND LET HIM CHANGE THEM. "QUIT TRYING TO BE GOD CHARITA JUST DO WHAT HE SAYS." IF GOD CAN CHANGE ME ALONE WHAT MAKES ME THINK HE NEEDS MY HELP WITH CHANGING SOMEONE ELSE. WE ALL NEED HOPE, INSPIRATION AND ENCOURAGEMNET BUT SOMETIMES WE DESIRE IT FROM THE WRONG PEOPLE, IN THE WRONG PLACES. HOW SHE STARTED THEN STOP THEN PROCEEDED AGAIN, MADE HER TURNS AND LISTENED SHOWED ME THAT SHE WANTED TO DO IT AND I HAD ALL THE CONFIDENCE FOR HER, SAYING IT'S OKAY YOU GOT IT TAKE YOUR TIME. THAT'S HOW I SEE GOD DOING ME TELLING ME GO CHARITA CONSTANTLY ROOTING ON MY SIDE WAITING FOR ME CHEERING ME ON WHEN I STOP CONVINCING ME TO GO. WHEN MY SISTER PASSED HER IN THE CAR SHE LOOKED OVER THERE AND SAID SHE PASSED ME I SAID DONT WORRY ABOUT HER YOUR GOING TO GET THERE. WOW THAT'S WHATS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE DISTRACTIONS AND NOT CONCENTRATING ON WHAT LIES AHEAD FOR ME. WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME IS FOR ME I HAVE TO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT'S GOING ON AROUND ME CAUSE AS SOON AS I DO THAT'S WHEN I CRASH SPIRITUALLY. I DEFINTELY SEEN MYSELF IN THE SITUATION ON THE SECOND TRIP NOW THAT GOD HAD MY ATTENTION FOR THAT TASK HE CONTINUES TO TRY TO TEACH ME BUT AGAIN I GOT IT GOD I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. I GET WARNINGS DONT GO THAT WAY, THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO KILL YOU, ME I JUST KEEP SAYING I GOT IT TILL GOD JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS FOOL AND GUIDE THE WHEEL FOR ME COVERING ME IN THE MIST OF MY SINS BUT WHAT IF HE STOPS. WHAT IF HE KNOCK ME DOWN OR ALLOW ME TO CRASH INTO THAT POLE LIKE WE COULD HAVE LAST NIGHT. I COULD HAVE SAT BACK AND LET CHEENA TELL ME SHE HAD IT. HELL I HAD BEEN DRINKING AND KNEW SHE DIDNT HAVE IT. IF I WOULD HAVE ALLOWED HER TO DECIEVE ME WE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT INTO THAT POLE. BUT I KNEW HER I KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT SHE WAS YELLING OR HOW STRONG HER VOICE GETS SHE NEEDS MY HELP. IMAGINE ME WITH GOD WHILE IM DRIVING IN THE WORLD AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO GUIDE ME AND I KEEP SAYING I GOT IT. NOW WITH MY SISTER IM JUST AS SHE IS HUMAN. BUT GOD IS ALL KNOWING HE IS NOT DRUNK, NOT ONLY DOES HE KNOWS ME HE CREATED ME AND REFUSES TO LET ME FAIL. HE SEE THE ROADS AHEAD AND BEYOND AND PROTECTS ME CONSTANLY REMINDING ME OF WHO HE IS. HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE WHERE YOU DONT KNOW HOW YOU MADE IT OUT LIKE YOU ALMOST THOUGHT THAT SOMEBODY HAD TO BE THERE? FROM THIS DAY ON I'M GOING TO STOP SAYING IM CONFUSED ABOUT WHO I AM INSTEAD I STAND TO SAY THAT I AM A CHILD OF CHRIST THAT NEEDS TO GROW, AND LEARN AND LISTEN AND MAKE BETTER CHOICES TO BECOME CHRIST LIKE. I KNOW THAT I CANT DO IT ALONE. SO I'M GOING TO ALLOW HIM TO GUIDE ME. THE TRIPPED OUT PART IS AFTER ALL THAT WHEN WE GOT HER FOOD I ALLOWED HER TO GET BACK IN. SHE SAID NALL SISTER YOU TAKE IT FROM HERE. GOD STILL ALLOWS ME CHANCES.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

HAVING A PLAN

IT'S FUNNY HOW WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE EXPOSING THINGS ABOUT SELF YOU SEEM TO BE MORE CAUTIOUS OF THE THINGS YOU SAY AND DO KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT. YESTERDAY MY GRAND MOTHER CALLED AND I WAS ABOUT TO TELL MY FRIEND TO TELL HER I JUST LEFT OUT (SAD BUT TRUE) BUT INSTANTLY I CAUGHT MYSELF AND JUST GOT THE PHONE. THAT'S SIMILIAR TO THE WAY I DO GOD . I WANT TO BE BOTHERED WHEN I WANT TO BE BOTHERED, LIKE I'M IN CONTROL. I WAS TALKING TO A CLOSE FRIEND LAST NIGHT AND SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVE WHAT I BELIEVE. AND I SAID YES SHE THEN SAID WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE I EXPLAINED TO HER THAT I BELIEVE THAT GOD SITS ON THE THRONE AND IN THE END WE WIN. SHE STATED, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD AND YOU KNOW THAT HE IS OMNIPRESENT (EVERYWHERE) AND YOU BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE THEN WHY DO YOU HIDE SO MUCH FROM PEOPLE WHEN GOD STANDS RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE THINGS YOU TRY TO HIDE ? GOOD QUESTION WOW........ I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER WANT TO EXPOSE TO PEOPLE BUT NEVER THOUGHT TO CARE ABOUT EXPOSING THEM TO GOD I KNEW IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THAT GOD KNOWS IT ALL BUT NEVER TRULY BELIEVED IN HIS PRESENCE TO AN EXTENT....... THEN AGAIN I LOOK AT THINGS LIKE THIS WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS WATCHING THAT YOU TRUST AND YOU KNOW UNDERSTANDS YOU IT IS EASIER FOR YOU TO EXPOSE YOUR TRUE SELF TO THEM. HOW COULD YOU HIDE SOMETHING FROM AN ALL KNOWING GOD? WHY DO I STILL DO THINGS KNOWING THAT GOD DOESNT APPROVE? HONESTLY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WITH THE INFORMATION I REVEAL TO HIM HE GOING TO TAKE IT AND DO GOOD WITH IT. I KNOW THAT WHEN I GO TO GOD AND SAY I'M A LIAR I DRINK TOO MUCH AND I FORNICATE I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT BUT I STILL DO IT I CANT HELP IT RIGHT NOW AND I JUST TALK TO HIM CONTINUING TO SAY LORD I AM JEALOUS OF CERTAIN THINGS SOMETIMES EVEN THOUGH I LIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT THEM AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT I CAN'T STOP IT HELP ME LORD. WHAT DO YOU THINK GOD WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION VERSES MAN. I FEEL THAT THE LORD I'M SHARING MY INFORMATION WITH IT'S SAFE WITH HIM. IMAGINE STATING THAT TO MAN. HELL IN THE BACK OF THEIR MINDS WHAT DO YOU THINK THERE SAYING. YOU SEE THEM THE NEXT DAY ESPECIALLY THE BOLD ONES, EVEN AFTER YOU DONE POURED YOUR HEART OUT ABOUT THE THINGS YOU ARE NOT PROUD OF, THEY REMIND YOU OF THEM. "DON'T BE TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD EITHER CAUSE I KNOW YOU" "OR THEY BE THINKING I WONDER WHAT SHE BE DOING THAT SHE DONT WANT EXPOSED OR WHO SHE BEEN WITH AND WHY IS SHE CRYING TO ME IT BET NOT BEEN MY MAN" LOL HUMANS WELL SOME HUMANS MANIPULATE AND MISUSE INFORMATION GIVEN TO THEM (WELL US) THAT'S WHY I GUESS I WOULD RATHER EXPOSE MY SELF TO GOD (SOUNDS SELFISH BUT TRUE) I KNOW THAT GOD IS NOT PLEASED WITH THE THINGS THAT I DO BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT ALL SINS ARE EQUAL AND I SERVE A FORGIVING AND UNDERSTANDING GOD. THE SCARY PART IS THAT I KNOW THAT IT IS WRONG TO KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT AND CONTINUE TO DO WRONG. I KNOW I HAVE TO CHANGE BEFORE GOD KNOCK ME DOWN. ONE DAY I HAVE TO GIVE UP THE EXCUSES. I KNOW THAT HE CAN CHANGE ME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT FAITH WITH OUT WORKS IS DEAD. I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO LOVE AND OBEY GOD. BUT ME SPEAKING IS NOT THE PROBLEM I CAN SPEAK FOR DAYS TO MY SELF TO GOD TO ANYBODY THAT LISTENS BUT HEARING WHAT GOD SAYS IN RETURN IS MY PROBLEM. EVERY ONE SAYS LISTEN TO HIS VOICE IT'S A SMALL STILL VOICE. HELL I HEAR THREE VOICES AND THEY ALL SOUND ALIKE JUST SAYS DIFFERENT THINGS. I USE TO TELL MY PASTOR THAT IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE BATTLES WITH IN MYSELF IT'S HARD FOR ME TO SAY BUT I HAD TO EXPOSE THE TRUTH TO GET MY ANSWERS. I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN I BE SITTING IN CHURCH ALTHOUGH I BE THERE TO PRAISE AND TALK TO THE LORD IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I BE CURSING AND DEFINITELY THINKING THINGS THAT I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING LIKE WHAT HAPPEN THE NIGHT BEFORE OR EVEN TRIPPING OUT ON PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH AND WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT THEIR ARE THREE PARTS TO THE BODY THE FLESH, THE SPIRIT AND THE SOUL. THEY ALL LIVE IN ME AND MY FLESH IS THE WEAKEST LINK AND THAT I HAVE TO LEARN TO CONTROL IT. I HAVE TO TEACH IT TO LISTEN TO MY SPIRIT VOICE MY GOOD VOICE THAT CRIES OUT FOR GOD. HAVE YOU EVERY DEEP INSIDE JUST FELT LIKE CRYING OUT TO GOD LIKE SOMETHING INSIDE OF YOU JUST WANT TO RUN, SCREAM OR JUST SHOUT FOR GOD LIKE SOMETHING WAS TRAP INSIDE OF YOU AND WANTED TO COME OUT. YOU JUST KEPT YOUR COMPOSURE AND TRIED TO BE CALM OR JUST SAT THERE AND CRIED. I FEEL THAT LIKE IT'S A THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. EVERY BODY WANTS IT I KNOW, I SAT AROUND LAST NIGHT WITH NOTHING TO DO I CALLED EVERYBODY TRYING TO SEE WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THEIR LIVES. MY SISTER SAID I WAS THE POLICE. LOL I THOUGHT TO READ THE BIBLE BUT THEN MADE AN EXCUSE AND SAID I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP FIRST THEN WAKE UP AND READ... RIGHT INSTEAD I ENDED UP GOING TO GET MY DRINKING BUDDIES AND COOKED SOME CHICKEN FETTUCINNI AND TEXAS TOAST GARLIC BREAD WITH THE FIVE CHEESES ( WHICH WAS DELICIOUS BY THE WAY) WE SAT AROUND AND DRANK AND GOSSIPPED AND I SAT BACK AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF LIKE THESE ARE THE VERY THINGS THAT I SHOULDN'T BE DOING HOW DID I SET MY SELF UP TO GET HERE AGAIN. I SAID MAN I GOT TO TELL THAT I DID THIS TOMORROW . I SAID NALL MAYBE I WILL PICK ANOTHER SUBJECT AND NOT MENTIONED IT BUT THEN AGAIN I SAID I GOT TO TELL THE TRUTH AS I SEE IT. ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SAT BACK AND SAID I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT IT CLICKED TO ME THAT INSTEAD OF ME SITTING THERE DRINKING WITH THEM I COULD HAVE BEEN STUDYING THE WORD WITH THEM BECAUSE IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT BUT EVERYBODY IS SEEKING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. I FELT BAD THINKING OF THE INFLUENCE ON THINGS THAT I EXPOSE TO PEOPLE. I GET IT NOW THAT IT SAYS LIVE BY EXAMPLE ...YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE BUT YOU SURE CAN INFLUENCE THEM. I GET WHERE I WENT WRONG AT I HAD NO PLAN. I SEE MY SELF BEING SOMEBODY YEARS DOWN THE LINE BUT HAVEN'T GOT A PLAN ON TAKING THOSE STEPS TO GET THEIR. I ENDED UP CHOOSING TO DRINK LAST NIGHT CAUSE I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO. AN IDLE MIND IS THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP HUH. I HAVE TO HAVE A DAILY PLAN FOR MY LIFE. I WAISTED A WHOLE DAY THAT I COULD HAVE USE TO ALLOW GOD TO BETTER ME AS A PERSON. (ALTHOUGH HE STILL REVEALED THINGS) THERE WERE POSITIVE THINGS THAT I COULD HAVE DONE LIKE CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER TO SEE HOW SHE WAS FEELING AND PRAYED FOR HER (CARING) I COULD HAVE WENT TO PICK MY DAUGHTHER UP AND BROUGHT HER HOME WITH ME TO SPEND SOME MOMMY AND DAUGHTHER TIME TOGETHER (EVEN THOUGH SHE WORKS MY NERVE JESUS) COOKED FOR HER AND MY NEIGHBORS. (SHARING) I COULD HAVE SPENT AN HOUR WITH GOD TO GET TO KNOW HIM AND TO GET FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORD SO THAT I COULD FORM THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT I AM CRAVING TO HAVE WITH HIM (SEEKING) I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT MATTERED.

Monday, March 29, 2010

LETTING GOD WORK WITH SELF

I AM A YOUNG WOMAN. I HAVE ONE DAUGHTER. I AM A SINGLE PARENT WHO LIVE ALONE AND HAVE A FULL TIME JOB WORKING WITH PEOPLE. I HAVE A HEART FOR THE LORD (ALTHOUGH I CONSTANLY HAVE TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS) A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY A CERTIFICATE FOR FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGY AND AM PLANNING TO CONTINUE TO GO TO SCHOOL TO BECOME A WRITER. I STRUGGLE A LOT WITH STABILTY IN MY LIFE AND SEEKING TO HEAR FROM GOD. THIS BLOG HAVE BEEN ON MY HEART TO DO. I KNOW I HAVE A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE AND ALL THOUGH THE WORLD SEEMS DESTRUCTED I KNOW THAT GOD'S PEOPLE STILL EXIST AND HE SITS ON THE THRONE. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T REALLY SAY WHAT I HOPE TO COME FROM THIS OR WHO MY AUDIENCE WILL BE OR EVEN IF I WILL HAVE ANY BUT I INTEND TO WRITE HERE DAILY WITH THE TRUTH OF MY LIFE TO EXPOSE MY SELF AND MY JOURNEY TO THE WORLD. ALSO TO HELP ME SEEK AND FIND MY TRUTH. I REALLY DONT LIKE TO BE JUDGED BUT I AM READY TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED FROM PEOPLE. IT MAY SOUND AS IF I AM DOING GREAT IN LIFE BUT I STRUGGLE WITH SELF DAILY AND WITH WHO I AM AND WANT TO BECOME. I WANT TO BECOME SOMEONE GREAT IN THE LORD AND DOING THE LORD'S WORK HERE BUT WHO I WANT TO BECOME AND WHO I AM NOW ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE MAYBE THREE. SOMETIMES PEOPLE THINK I AM STRANGE, WEIRD, OR EVEN THIS GREAT PERSON. I MYSELF ALTHOUGH I HAVE CONFINDENCE IN WHO I CAN BE I DON'T THINK I'M ANY OF THOSE. MAYBE IM THE PECUILAR PERSON GOD SAYS HIS PEOPLE ARE. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO STAND FOR GOD BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS FALLING FOR SIN. AND ALTHOUGH MY SPIRIT THIRST FOR HIM MY FLESH THIRST FOR THE DESIRES OF THE WORLD. SEE BUT EVEN WITH THE WORLDLY THINGS DEEP DOWN I'M STILL NOT SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE. ARE THEIR PEOPLE OUT THE WHO ARE JUST COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH THEIR LIVES?IF SO I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. I DONT LOOK AT MY LIFE LIKE A SAD CASE BUT SORTA LIKE A WAIST IF I DONT ALLOW GOD TO CLEAN ME UP AND RENEW IN ME A GOOD HEART. I KNOW IF I DON'T START MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES THEN MY LIFE WILL TRULY BE A DIASTER BUT FOR ME I THINK IT IS EASILY SAID THEN DONE. I COME FROM A VERY CLOSE FAMILY WHO LOVE EACHOTHER DEARLY. I MYSELF I DRINK, SMOKE CIGARETTES, WORK, AND TRY TO RAISE MY CHILD AND BE A GOOD MOTHER. I AM NOT STATING THESE THINGS TO SAY I AM PROUD OF THEM BECAUSE IM NOT BUT THESE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY I THINK THAT GOD WON'T DWELL IN MY TEMPLE. ALTHOUGH HE SAYS COME AS YOU ARE I HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME NOT LEAVING THE SAME AS I CAME. I MEAN IN MY HEAD EVERYTHING THAT GOD DESIRES OF ME MAKES SINCE THE THINGS THAT HE SAYS THE THINGS THAT HE REQUIRES THE THINGS THAT HE HAVE SHOWN ME LET'S ME KNOW THAT THEIR IS A GOD BUT I KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IM NOT DOING THAT'S KEEPING ME FROM HAVING A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I GUESS DEEP DOWN IM STARTING THIS BLOG NOT ONLY TO WRITE BUT TO SELF SEARCH AND HOPEFULLY INSPIRE ANOTHER OR SOME ONE WILL INSPIRE ME. I HAVE GOOD QUALITIES TOO I AM GIVING I LIKE TO SEE OTHERS HAPPY AND TO MAKE PEACE. I HAVE DEAR FRIENDS ONE WHO INSPIRES ME DAILY AND WHOM I SEE GOD CONSTANLY TRANSFORMING. PEOPLE WHO ARE CONCERNED WITH MY WELL BEING AND MY CHOICES IN LIFE. I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE TELL ME THAT GOD IS GOING TO USE YOU AND YOURE GOING TO BE GREAT SOMETIMES I WONDER DO THEY REALLY KNOW ME? BASICALLY IM TIRED OF BEATING MY SELF UP WITH THIS SO FROM THIS DAY IM GOING TO SEEK GOD AND ASK HIM TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME AND WHO I AM IN HIM. I AM PLANNING TO READ DAILY AND WRITE DAILY AND PRAY DAILY ASKING FOR GOD TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE AND TO USE ME. NOW I KNOW THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE OVER NIGHT AND I HOPE WHOEVER READS IT KNOWS THAT TOO AND I AM GOING TO PRAY RIGHT NOW THAT GOD BLESS MY WRITING AND THE PEOPLE WHO READS AND RESPONDS HERE. I WILL TRY TO COMMIT MYSELF TO WRITE IN DAILY NO LATER THAN 12:30 AND TELL ABOUT THE JOURNEYS AND STRUGGLES ALONG WITH THE BLESSINGS TAKING EVERYTHING DAY BY DAY .