Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Driving

I WAS SITTING HERE EARLIER THINKING ABOUT THE SYMBOLIZATIONS OF LIFE. YESTERDAY I WAS TEACHING MY SISTER HOW TO DRIVE (SHE WILL NEVER ADMIT IT CAUSE SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS HOW ALREADY). WHEN SHE FIRST GOT IN TO THE CAR I SAID NOW CHECK YOUR MIRRORS AND ADJUST YOUR SEAT. SHE STATED "DONE SWEETIE' . MY DRUNK COUSIN WAS IN THE BACK MAKING LOUD NOISES AND TELL HER TO PULL OFF. SHE WAS SOOO NERVOUS SHE TOLD HIM HE HAD TO GET OUT CAUSE SHE COULD DRIVE HER CAR WITH HIM. HE WAS TOO MUCH OF A DISTRACTION. WE PUT HIM OUT AND CONTINUED TO BEGAN DRIVING, NEXT SHE SAYS NALL I CAN'T DO THIS IMMA JUST WAIT YOU TAKE IT CHARITA. I SAID NO I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DRIVE YOU NEED TO LEARN, I'M NOT TAKING YOU THAT FAR JUST TO THE CORNER SO YOU CAN GET A FEEL OF IT. SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND PROCEEDED TO PULL OFF SHE STOPPED AGAIN AND STATED IM JUST GONE WAIT TO THE NEXT RED LIGHT COME SO I CAN GO. I STATED NO GO OUT NOW THERE AREN'T ANY CARS COMING. SHE PULLED OUT FOOT STILL ON THE BREAK LOL. STOP PED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. WE ALL WERE SAYING CHEENA YOU HAVE TO GO YOU CAN'T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET YOU HAVE TO GO. TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE BREAK AND JUST GO YOU DONT HAVE TO SPEED JUST EASE ON THE GAS. SHE DID AND DROVE VERY SLOWLY KEPT STOPPING HITTING THE BREAKS THEN THE GAS. MY OTHER SISTER CAME AROUND THE SIDE OF HER AND JUST PASSED HER UP AND GAVE HER THE DUECES. WE LAUGH AND SAID JUST TAKE YOUR TIME DON'T FOCUS ON HER. SHE MADE IT TO THE PARKING LOT HER HANDS WERE SHAKING, SHE TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND SAID S--- I NEED A CIGARETTE NOW. I TOLD HER - SEE YOU MADE IT ALL YOU NEED IS TO PRACTICE IT EVERY DAY AND SOON YOU WILL BE A PRO. LATER ON THAT DAY SHE BUILT UP MORE CONFIDENCE TO DRIVE AGAIN AND WANTED TO DRIVE TO MAXWELLS. NOW WHEN WE GOT IN THE CAR AS USUAL I WENT ON TO INSTRUCT HER. SHE WAS VERY RESIST, SHE KEPT SAYING I KNOW, I GOT IT, EVERY TIME I SAID YOU GETTING TO CLOSE SHE SAID I GOT THIS I KNOW. I KEPT TRYING TO TELL HER TO JUST LISTEN I KNEW SHE CAN DO IT BUT SHE ONLY DROVE THAT ONE TIME AND JUST KNEW SHE HAD IT. I TRIED TO KEEP MY COOL I KEPT SAYING JUST LISTEN YOU DONT HAVE IT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN. SHE JUST KEPT SAYING I KNOW- RIGHT WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING RIGHT INTO THE POLE. I BEGAN YELLING THEN SAYING YOU HAVE TO TURN YOUR WHEEL, SHE KNEW SHE KNEW SHE KNEW. AFTER ALMOST REACHING THE POLE I GRABBED THE WHEEL AND TURNED US IN TO SAFETY. THEN SHE WANTS TO LAUGH AND SIGH. SHE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY YOU HAVE TO STOP YELLING. I SAID I DIDN'T YELL UNTIL YOU ALMOST LEAD US INTO DESTRUCTION. I SAID I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT BUT YOU CAN'T LEARN IN ONE DAY. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO DIRECTIONS. YOU CAN'T GET SOME INSTRUCTIONS AND THINK YOU JUST GOT IT ON YOUR ON. AS I LAUGHED ABOUT THAT EARLIER I REALIZED THAT THE SAME THING I WAS TELLING HER I NEEDED TO APPLY IT TO MY LIFE. I CAN'T JUST HEAR GOD ONE DAY THEN THINK I CAN TAKE OVER FROM THERE. THAT'S HOW I BECOME LOST AND TRAPPED IN THE SAME CIRCLE THAT I NEEDED HIM TO FREE ME FROM. AS MY FRIEND WOULD SAY YOU PRAY, GOD GRANTS IT, THEN YOU SAY OKAY GOD I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. MY LIFE SYMBOLIZED THIS ONE EVENT. IF I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW I FIRST NEED A TEACHER. ON MY JOURNEY EVERYONE CANT RIDE I HAVE TO GET RID OF THE DISTRACTIONS. I HAVE TO BE BOLD TO GIVE IT A CHANCE. FUNNY THE WAY MY SISTER JUST STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET IT WAS DANGEROUS BUT AT THE TIME THERE WERE NO CARS COMING. THAT COULD REPRESENT GOD PROTECTING MY ON MY JOURNEY. I WAS REALLY PONDERING ON HOW SHE WANTED ANOTHER RED LIGHT TO FLASH JUST SO SHE CAN GO. I FEEL THAT WAY SOMETIMES I JUST NEED THE WORLD TO STOP SO I CAN GO SO I CAN BE SAFE SO I CAN COME OUT. HOW I WANT EVERYBODY ELSE TO STOP DOING WHATEVER I STOP DOING SO I CAN MOVE FORTH. I KEPT TELLING HER GIRL GO YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR ANOTHER LIGHT FOR WHAT THIS IS YOUR TIME NOW. YOU GOT IT JUST GET OUT THERE. I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY FRIENDS TO CHANGE JUST CAUSE I WANT TO BUT IF I LIVE FOR GOD ALONE I CAN INSPIRE THEM AND LET HIM CHANGE THEM. "QUIT TRYING TO BE GOD CHARITA JUST DO WHAT HE SAYS." IF GOD CAN CHANGE ME ALONE WHAT MAKES ME THINK HE NEEDS MY HELP WITH CHANGING SOMEONE ELSE. WE ALL NEED HOPE, INSPIRATION AND ENCOURAGEMNET BUT SOMETIMES WE DESIRE IT FROM THE WRONG PEOPLE, IN THE WRONG PLACES. HOW SHE STARTED THEN STOP THEN PROCEEDED AGAIN, MADE HER TURNS AND LISTENED SHOWED ME THAT SHE WANTED TO DO IT AND I HAD ALL THE CONFIDENCE FOR HER, SAYING IT'S OKAY YOU GOT IT TAKE YOUR TIME. THAT'S HOW I SEE GOD DOING ME TELLING ME GO CHARITA CONSTANTLY ROOTING ON MY SIDE WAITING FOR ME CHEERING ME ON WHEN I STOP CONVINCING ME TO GO. WHEN MY SISTER PASSED HER IN THE CAR SHE LOOKED OVER THERE AND SAID SHE PASSED ME I SAID DONT WORRY ABOUT HER YOUR GOING TO GET THERE. WOW THAT'S WHATS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE DISTRACTIONS AND NOT CONCENTRATING ON WHAT LIES AHEAD FOR ME. WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME IS FOR ME I HAVE TO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT THE THINGS THAT'S GOING ON AROUND ME CAUSE AS SOON AS I DO THAT'S WHEN I CRASH SPIRITUALLY. I DEFINTELY SEEN MYSELF IN THE SITUATION ON THE SECOND TRIP NOW THAT GOD HAD MY ATTENTION FOR THAT TASK HE CONTINUES TO TRY TO TEACH ME BUT AGAIN I GOT IT GOD I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. I GET WARNINGS DONT GO THAT WAY, THE DEVIL IS TRYING TO KILL YOU, ME I JUST KEEP SAYING I GOT IT TILL GOD JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS FOOL AND GUIDE THE WHEEL FOR ME COVERING ME IN THE MIST OF MY SINS BUT WHAT IF HE STOPS. WHAT IF HE KNOCK ME DOWN OR ALLOW ME TO CRASH INTO THAT POLE LIKE WE COULD HAVE LAST NIGHT. I COULD HAVE SAT BACK AND LET CHEENA TELL ME SHE HAD IT. HELL I HAD BEEN DRINKING AND KNEW SHE DIDNT HAVE IT. IF I WOULD HAVE ALLOWED HER TO DECIEVE ME WE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT INTO THAT POLE. BUT I KNEW HER I KNOWN HER LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT SHE WAS YELLING OR HOW STRONG HER VOICE GETS SHE NEEDS MY HELP. IMAGINE ME WITH GOD WHILE IM DRIVING IN THE WORLD AND HE KEEPS TRYING TO GUIDE ME AND I KEEP SAYING I GOT IT. NOW WITH MY SISTER IM JUST AS SHE IS HUMAN. BUT GOD IS ALL KNOWING HE IS NOT DRUNK, NOT ONLY DOES HE KNOWS ME HE CREATED ME AND REFUSES TO LET ME FAIL. HE SEE THE ROADS AHEAD AND BEYOND AND PROTECTS ME CONSTANLY REMINDING ME OF WHO HE IS. HAVE YOU EVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE WHERE YOU DONT KNOW HOW YOU MADE IT OUT LIKE YOU ALMOST THOUGHT THAT SOMEBODY HAD TO BE THERE? FROM THIS DAY ON I'M GOING TO STOP SAYING IM CONFUSED ABOUT WHO I AM INSTEAD I STAND TO SAY THAT I AM A CHILD OF CHRIST THAT NEEDS TO GROW, AND LEARN AND LISTEN AND MAKE BETTER CHOICES TO BECOME CHRIST LIKE. I KNOW THAT I CANT DO IT ALONE. SO I'M GOING TO ALLOW HIM TO GUIDE ME. THE TRIPPED OUT PART IS AFTER ALL THAT WHEN WE GOT HER FOOD I ALLOWED HER TO GET BACK IN. SHE SAID NALL SISTER YOU TAKE IT FROM HERE. GOD STILL ALLOWS ME CHANCES.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

HAVING A PLAN

IT'S FUNNY HOW WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE EXPOSING THINGS ABOUT SELF YOU SEEM TO BE MORE CAUTIOUS OF THE THINGS YOU SAY AND DO KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT IT. YESTERDAY MY GRAND MOTHER CALLED AND I WAS ABOUT TO TELL MY FRIEND TO TELL HER I JUST LEFT OUT (SAD BUT TRUE) BUT INSTANTLY I CAUGHT MYSELF AND JUST GOT THE PHONE. THAT'S SIMILIAR TO THE WAY I DO GOD . I WANT TO BE BOTHERED WHEN I WANT TO BE BOTHERED, LIKE I'M IN CONTROL. I WAS TALKING TO A CLOSE FRIEND LAST NIGHT AND SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVE WHAT I BELIEVE. AND I SAID YES SHE THEN SAID WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE I EXPLAINED TO HER THAT I BELIEVE THAT GOD SITS ON THE THRONE AND IN THE END WE WIN. SHE STATED, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD AND YOU KNOW THAT HE IS OMNIPRESENT (EVERYWHERE) AND YOU BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE THEN WHY DO YOU HIDE SO MUCH FROM PEOPLE WHEN GOD STANDS RIGHT THERE WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE THINGS YOU TRY TO HIDE ? GOOD QUESTION WOW........ I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER WANT TO EXPOSE TO PEOPLE BUT NEVER THOUGHT TO CARE ABOUT EXPOSING THEM TO GOD I KNEW IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THAT GOD KNOWS IT ALL BUT NEVER TRULY BELIEVED IN HIS PRESENCE TO AN EXTENT....... THEN AGAIN I LOOK AT THINGS LIKE THIS WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS WATCHING THAT YOU TRUST AND YOU KNOW UNDERSTANDS YOU IT IS EASIER FOR YOU TO EXPOSE YOUR TRUE SELF TO THEM. HOW COULD YOU HIDE SOMETHING FROM AN ALL KNOWING GOD? WHY DO I STILL DO THINGS KNOWING THAT GOD DOESNT APPROVE? HONESTLY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WITH THE INFORMATION I REVEAL TO HIM HE GOING TO TAKE IT AND DO GOOD WITH IT. I KNOW THAT WHEN I GO TO GOD AND SAY I'M A LIAR I DRINK TOO MUCH AND I FORNICATE I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT BUT I STILL DO IT I CANT HELP IT RIGHT NOW AND I JUST TALK TO HIM CONTINUING TO SAY LORD I AM JEALOUS OF CERTAIN THINGS SOMETIMES EVEN THOUGH I LIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT THEM AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT I CAN'T STOP IT HELP ME LORD. WHAT DO YOU THINK GOD WILL DO WITH THAT INFORMATION VERSES MAN. I FEEL THAT THE LORD I'M SHARING MY INFORMATION WITH IT'S SAFE WITH HIM. IMAGINE STATING THAT TO MAN. HELL IN THE BACK OF THEIR MINDS WHAT DO YOU THINK THERE SAYING. YOU SEE THEM THE NEXT DAY ESPECIALLY THE BOLD ONES, EVEN AFTER YOU DONE POURED YOUR HEART OUT ABOUT THE THINGS YOU ARE NOT PROUD OF, THEY REMIND YOU OF THEM. "DON'T BE TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD EITHER CAUSE I KNOW YOU" "OR THEY BE THINKING I WONDER WHAT SHE BE DOING THAT SHE DONT WANT EXPOSED OR WHO SHE BEEN WITH AND WHY IS SHE CRYING TO ME IT BET NOT BEEN MY MAN" LOL HUMANS WELL SOME HUMANS MANIPULATE AND MISUSE INFORMATION GIVEN TO THEM (WELL US) THAT'S WHY I GUESS I WOULD RATHER EXPOSE MY SELF TO GOD (SOUNDS SELFISH BUT TRUE) I KNOW THAT GOD IS NOT PLEASED WITH THE THINGS THAT I DO BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT ALL SINS ARE EQUAL AND I SERVE A FORGIVING AND UNDERSTANDING GOD. THE SCARY PART IS THAT I KNOW THAT IT IS WRONG TO KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT AND CONTINUE TO DO WRONG. I KNOW I HAVE TO CHANGE BEFORE GOD KNOCK ME DOWN. ONE DAY I HAVE TO GIVE UP THE EXCUSES. I KNOW THAT HE CAN CHANGE ME BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT FAITH WITH OUT WORKS IS DEAD. I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO LOVE AND OBEY GOD. BUT ME SPEAKING IS NOT THE PROBLEM I CAN SPEAK FOR DAYS TO MY SELF TO GOD TO ANYBODY THAT LISTENS BUT HEARING WHAT GOD SAYS IN RETURN IS MY PROBLEM. EVERY ONE SAYS LISTEN TO HIS VOICE IT'S A SMALL STILL VOICE. HELL I HEAR THREE VOICES AND THEY ALL SOUND ALIKE JUST SAYS DIFFERENT THINGS. I USE TO TELL MY PASTOR THAT IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE BATTLES WITH IN MYSELF IT'S HARD FOR ME TO SAY BUT I HAD TO EXPOSE THE TRUTH TO GET MY ANSWERS. I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN I BE SITTING IN CHURCH ALTHOUGH I BE THERE TO PRAISE AND TALK TO THE LORD IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I BE CURSING AND DEFINITELY THINKING THINGS THAT I SHOULDN'T BE THINKING LIKE WHAT HAPPEN THE NIGHT BEFORE OR EVEN TRIPPING OUT ON PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH AND WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT THEIR ARE THREE PARTS TO THE BODY THE FLESH, THE SPIRIT AND THE SOUL. THEY ALL LIVE IN ME AND MY FLESH IS THE WEAKEST LINK AND THAT I HAVE TO LEARN TO CONTROL IT. I HAVE TO TEACH IT TO LISTEN TO MY SPIRIT VOICE MY GOOD VOICE THAT CRIES OUT FOR GOD. HAVE YOU EVERY DEEP INSIDE JUST FELT LIKE CRYING OUT TO GOD LIKE SOMETHING INSIDE OF YOU JUST WANT TO RUN, SCREAM OR JUST SHOUT FOR GOD LIKE SOMETHING WAS TRAP INSIDE OF YOU AND WANTED TO COME OUT. YOU JUST KEPT YOUR COMPOSURE AND TRIED TO BE CALM OR JUST SAT THERE AND CRIED. I FEEL THAT LIKE IT'S A THIRST FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. EVERY BODY WANTS IT I KNOW, I SAT AROUND LAST NIGHT WITH NOTHING TO DO I CALLED EVERYBODY TRYING TO SEE WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THEIR LIVES. MY SISTER SAID I WAS THE POLICE. LOL I THOUGHT TO READ THE BIBLE BUT THEN MADE AN EXCUSE AND SAID I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP FIRST THEN WAKE UP AND READ... RIGHT INSTEAD I ENDED UP GOING TO GET MY DRINKING BUDDIES AND COOKED SOME CHICKEN FETTUCINNI AND TEXAS TOAST GARLIC BREAD WITH THE FIVE CHEESES ( WHICH WAS DELICIOUS BY THE WAY) WE SAT AROUND AND DRANK AND GOSSIPPED AND I SAT BACK AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF LIKE THESE ARE THE VERY THINGS THAT I SHOULDN'T BE DOING HOW DID I SET MY SELF UP TO GET HERE AGAIN. I SAID MAN I GOT TO TELL THAT I DID THIS TOMORROW . I SAID NALL MAYBE I WILL PICK ANOTHER SUBJECT AND NOT MENTIONED IT BUT THEN AGAIN I SAID I GOT TO TELL THE TRUTH AS I SEE IT. ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SAT BACK AND SAID I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT IT CLICKED TO ME THAT INSTEAD OF ME SITTING THERE DRINKING WITH THEM I COULD HAVE BEEN STUDYING THE WORD WITH THEM BECAUSE IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT BUT EVERYBODY IS SEEKING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. I FELT BAD THINKING OF THE INFLUENCE ON THINGS THAT I EXPOSE TO PEOPLE. I GET IT NOW THAT IT SAYS LIVE BY EXAMPLE ...YOU CAN'T CHANGE PEOPLE BUT YOU SURE CAN INFLUENCE THEM. I GET WHERE I WENT WRONG AT I HAD NO PLAN. I SEE MY SELF BEING SOMEBODY YEARS DOWN THE LINE BUT HAVEN'T GOT A PLAN ON TAKING THOSE STEPS TO GET THEIR. I ENDED UP CHOOSING TO DRINK LAST NIGHT CAUSE I HAD NOTHING ELSE TO DO. AN IDLE MIND IS THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP HUH. I HAVE TO HAVE A DAILY PLAN FOR MY LIFE. I WAISTED A WHOLE DAY THAT I COULD HAVE USE TO ALLOW GOD TO BETTER ME AS A PERSON. (ALTHOUGH HE STILL REVEALED THINGS) THERE WERE POSITIVE THINGS THAT I COULD HAVE DONE LIKE CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER TO SEE HOW SHE WAS FEELING AND PRAYED FOR HER (CARING) I COULD HAVE WENT TO PICK MY DAUGHTHER UP AND BROUGHT HER HOME WITH ME TO SPEND SOME MOMMY AND DAUGHTHER TIME TOGETHER (EVEN THOUGH SHE WORKS MY NERVE JESUS) COOKED FOR HER AND MY NEIGHBORS. (SHARING) I COULD HAVE SPENT AN HOUR WITH GOD TO GET TO KNOW HIM AND TO GET FAMILIAR WITH HIS WORD SO THAT I COULD FORM THAT RELATIONSHIP THAT I AM CRAVING TO HAVE WITH HIM (SEEKING) I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT MATTERED.

Monday, March 29, 2010

LETTING GOD WORK WITH SELF

I AM A YOUNG WOMAN. I HAVE ONE DAUGHTER. I AM A SINGLE PARENT WHO LIVE ALONE AND HAVE A FULL TIME JOB WORKING WITH PEOPLE. I HAVE A HEART FOR THE LORD (ALTHOUGH I CONSTANLY HAVE TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS) A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY A CERTIFICATE FOR FORENSIC PSYCHOLOGY AND AM PLANNING TO CONTINUE TO GO TO SCHOOL TO BECOME A WRITER. I STRUGGLE A LOT WITH STABILTY IN MY LIFE AND SEEKING TO HEAR FROM GOD. THIS BLOG HAVE BEEN ON MY HEART TO DO. I KNOW I HAVE A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE AND ALL THOUGH THE WORLD SEEMS DESTRUCTED I KNOW THAT GOD'S PEOPLE STILL EXIST AND HE SITS ON THE THRONE. RIGHT NOW I CAN'T REALLY SAY WHAT I HOPE TO COME FROM THIS OR WHO MY AUDIENCE WILL BE OR EVEN IF I WILL HAVE ANY BUT I INTEND TO WRITE HERE DAILY WITH THE TRUTH OF MY LIFE TO EXPOSE MY SELF AND MY JOURNEY TO THE WORLD. ALSO TO HELP ME SEEK AND FIND MY TRUTH. I REALLY DONT LIKE TO BE JUDGED BUT I AM READY TO EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED FROM PEOPLE. IT MAY SOUND AS IF I AM DOING GREAT IN LIFE BUT I STRUGGLE WITH SELF DAILY AND WITH WHO I AM AND WANT TO BECOME. I WANT TO BECOME SOMEONE GREAT IN THE LORD AND DOING THE LORD'S WORK HERE BUT WHO I WANT TO BECOME AND WHO I AM NOW ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE MAYBE THREE. SOMETIMES PEOPLE THINK I AM STRANGE, WEIRD, OR EVEN THIS GREAT PERSON. I MYSELF ALTHOUGH I HAVE CONFINDENCE IN WHO I CAN BE I DON'T THINK I'M ANY OF THOSE. MAYBE IM THE PECUILAR PERSON GOD SAYS HIS PEOPLE ARE. IT'S HARD FOR ME TO STAND FOR GOD BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS FALLING FOR SIN. AND ALTHOUGH MY SPIRIT THIRST FOR HIM MY FLESH THIRST FOR THE DESIRES OF THE WORLD. SEE BUT EVEN WITH THE WORLDLY THINGS DEEP DOWN I'M STILL NOT SATISFIED WITH MY LIFE. ARE THEIR PEOPLE OUT THE WHO ARE JUST COMPLETELY SATISFIED WITH THEIR LIVES?IF SO I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. I DONT LOOK AT MY LIFE LIKE A SAD CASE BUT SORTA LIKE A WAIST IF I DONT ALLOW GOD TO CLEAN ME UP AND RENEW IN ME A GOOD HEART. I KNOW IF I DON'T START MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES THEN MY LIFE WILL TRULY BE A DIASTER BUT FOR ME I THINK IT IS EASILY SAID THEN DONE. I COME FROM A VERY CLOSE FAMILY WHO LOVE EACHOTHER DEARLY. I MYSELF I DRINK, SMOKE CIGARETTES, WORK, AND TRY TO RAISE MY CHILD AND BE A GOOD MOTHER. I AM NOT STATING THESE THINGS TO SAY I AM PROUD OF THEM BECAUSE IM NOT BUT THESE ARE SOME OF THE REASONS WHY I THINK THAT GOD WON'T DWELL IN MY TEMPLE. ALTHOUGH HE SAYS COME AS YOU ARE I HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME NOT LEAVING THE SAME AS I CAME. I MEAN IN MY HEAD EVERYTHING THAT GOD DESIRES OF ME MAKES SINCE THE THINGS THAT HE SAYS THE THINGS THAT HE REQUIRES THE THINGS THAT HE HAVE SHOWN ME LET'S ME KNOW THAT THEIR IS A GOD BUT I KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING THAT IM NOT DOING THAT'S KEEPING ME FROM HAVING A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. I GUESS DEEP DOWN IM STARTING THIS BLOG NOT ONLY TO WRITE BUT TO SELF SEARCH AND HOPEFULLY INSPIRE ANOTHER OR SOME ONE WILL INSPIRE ME. I HAVE GOOD QUALITIES TOO I AM GIVING I LIKE TO SEE OTHERS HAPPY AND TO MAKE PEACE. I HAVE DEAR FRIENDS ONE WHO INSPIRES ME DAILY AND WHOM I SEE GOD CONSTANLY TRANSFORMING. PEOPLE WHO ARE CONCERNED WITH MY WELL BEING AND MY CHOICES IN LIFE. I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE TELL ME THAT GOD IS GOING TO USE YOU AND YOURE GOING TO BE GREAT SOMETIMES I WONDER DO THEY REALLY KNOW ME? BASICALLY IM TIRED OF BEATING MY SELF UP WITH THIS SO FROM THIS DAY IM GOING TO SEEK GOD AND ASK HIM TO REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME AND WHO I AM IN HIM. I AM PLANNING TO READ DAILY AND WRITE DAILY AND PRAY DAILY ASKING FOR GOD TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE AND TO USE ME. NOW I KNOW THINGS ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE OVER NIGHT AND I HOPE WHOEVER READS IT KNOWS THAT TOO AND I AM GOING TO PRAY RIGHT NOW THAT GOD BLESS MY WRITING AND THE PEOPLE WHO READS AND RESPONDS HERE. I WILL TRY TO COMMIT MYSELF TO WRITE IN DAILY NO LATER THAN 12:30 AND TELL ABOUT THE JOURNEYS AND STRUGGLES ALONG WITH THE BLESSINGS TAKING EVERYTHING DAY BY DAY .