SETTING BOUNDARIES

I'VE COME TO LEARN THAT WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO GUIDE YOUR LIFE IN ONE DIRECTION, IN A WORLD FULL OF TURNS, YOU MUST ESTABLISH STRUCTURE IN YOUR LIFE. WHO TO LET IN, WHO TO LET OUT, LOVING SOMEONE CLOSE AND LOVING THEM FROM A DISTANCE. HOW TO MANAGE WHAT YOU ALLOW THE EYE TO SEE. WHO DO WE SET BOUNDARIES FOR? SELF OR OTHER PEOPLE? I'M STARTING MY BOUNDARIES FOR SELF. NOW I KNOW WHY I USE TO BEAT UP AND BLAME MY SELF FOR THINGS, BECAUSE I KNEW, HAD I NOT DID THIS THEN, THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPEN. THE devil IS SNEAKY AND HE WILL DECEIVE YOUR MIND IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO. WHEN I USE TO THINK OF HIM I USE TO EXPECT THIS BIG DANGEROUS MONSTER ,WHO IS JUST A DANGER TO THE WORLD. IN A SENSE, I WAS RIGHT ,BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THE devil WAS ONCE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL IN HEAVEN. NOW I REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE THE devil FOR WHO HE IS AND HOW HE WORKS THROUGH PEOPLE. I HAVE TO KNOW THE TRICKS OF THE ENEMY, BE ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHO HE IS AND CALL HIM OUT. I USE TO BE SOO HURT BY THE WAY I ALLOWED CERTAIN PEOPLE TO TREAT ME. AND DIDNT WANT TO SPEAK ON THINGS BECAUSE I THOUGHT THEY WOULD CHANGE OR WOULD REALIZE HOW THEY WERE HURTING ME. AND THE CRAZY PART IS, SOMETIMES THEY WOULDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW THEY WERE HURTING ME OR DIDNT CARE. WHEN I ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON IN MY LIFE UNCONCIOUSLY I WOULD BEGIN TO HURT MY SELF MORE. ACCEPTING THE WAY THEY WERE ABUSING ME MENTALLY. THE MORE THINGS WERE EXPOSED TO MY MIND, THE EASIER IT BECAME FOR ME TO DEAL WITH.

I KNEW DEEP DOWN SOMETHINGS JUST WEREN'T RIGHT BUT GAVE UP MY FIGHT AT ONE POINT, ONLY TO KEEP THE THINGS THAT WAS CONSTANTLY BREAKING ME.(SMH) I AM GLAD FOR CONVICTION OF THE SPRIT BECAUSE IF IT HAD NOT BEEN FOR THAT I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE WILL DO CERTAIN THINGS TO YOU OR AROUND YOU BUT ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT WITH THE NEXT PERSON. TALK A DIFFERENT WAY, WALK A DIFFERENT WAY, HANDLE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. YOU HAPPEN TO NOTICE IT AND SAY IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND "WHERE DID THAT COME FROM I BEEN TRYING TO GET THEM TO DO THAT FOREVER", AND HERE THIS PERSON COME AND DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK AND THEY GOT IT TOGETHER.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE WITH US? STRUCTURE, BOUNDARIES, PEOPLE WILL ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU. IT IS UP TO ME TO HAVE BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF, TO PROTECT MY SPIRIT, MY FEELING, MY THOUGHTS. TO BE ABLE TO UPHOLD MY SELF IN THE POSITION I WANT TO BE IN. I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR HAPPINESS FOR PEACE AND WHEN GOD GIVES IT TO ME. I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO HOLD ON TO IT CAUSE WITH OUT IT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO MAKE IT. WHEN I ALLOW PEOPLE TO COME IN AND RAIN ON MY JOY, THEN GO ON ABOUT THEIR LIFE, I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY GO BACK TO GOD AND ASK HIM FOR THAT PEACE AGAIN, THAT JOY CAUSE I CAN'T FUNCTION. AND YET THE PERSON I ALLOWED TO COME IN AND STEAL MY JOY IS ON TO THE NEXT ONE. I NEED STRUCTURE I NEED BOUNDARIES FOR ME.

THE WAY I'M FEELING DETERMINES THE SETTING OF MY DAY. IF I AM NOT HAPPY OR CONTENT WHERE I AM AT, IT'S EASY TO INFLUENCE ME TO DO THINGS. TAKE THE EASY ROUTE OUT. GODS ALWAYS REMINDS ME THAT I DON'T WANT THAT. I REALIZED THAT IF YOU DON'T HELP YOURSELF AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR YOU TO FUNCTION AND FIGHT YOUR DAILY BATLLES, YOU CAN'T HELP NO ONE ELSE. GOD SAYS THE DO'S AND DON'T'S FOR A REASONS. DONT ALLOW THE EYE TO EXPOSE ANYTHING TO THE MIND, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT'S REALLY NOT GOOD FOR YOU. SOMETIMES I NEED TO SAY I DON'T MEAN NO HARM BUT I DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS,I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS. SOMETIMES I HAVE TO PUSH PEOPLE OUT OF MY LIFE WHO DOESN'T MEAN ANY GOOD BY ME. EVEN THE ONES I LOVE, I HAVE TO LOVE THEM FROM A DISTANCE.

WHY DO I NEED BOUNDARIES FOR SELF? I DO BECAUSE I NEED PROTECT MY SPIRIT, SO THAT IT CAN BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GUIDE MY FLESH. I CAN'T CONTINUE TO LET THE devil USE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE TO MANIPULATE MY THOUGHTS. YOU MAY NOT NOTICE RIGHT NOW, BUT EVER TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR SELF WHEN YOU'RE FEELING HAPPY. ME PERSONALLY, I SMILE GENUINELY, I SAY NICE THINGS, MY PATIENCE GROWS, I DO NICE THINGS FOR PEOPLE. I FEEL GREAT MY BODY FEELS ALIVE. WHEN I AM NOT HAPPY, I DO THINGS TO HURT MYSELF AND NOT EVEN NOTICE. I LET PEOPLE SAY ANYTHING TO ME, I TEND TO PUT UP WITH NEGATIVITY, I OVER EAT, I DRINK HEAVILY, I TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, YELL AT KYRA (MY DAUGHTER) ,I'M FULL OF FRUSTRATION. MY PATIENCE DECREASE AND I SLEEP A LOT AND STILL WAKE UP TIRED, ABUSING MY SELF AND NOT EVEN REALIZING IT.

I THEN GO TO GOD AND CONFESS AND HE RENEWS MY SPIRT. (THANK YOU GOD). I GET TIRED THOUGH OF SITTING DOWN LIKE A PUNK FOR THE devil AND ALLOWING HIM TO USE PEOPLE TO ABUSE MY SPIRIT, RAPE MY FLESH, AND STEAL MY JOY. I STARTED SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF NOT TO GET LOST IN SIN. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THEY CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING ON THEIR OWN, SAYING I WILL NEVER BE A HYPE OR I WILL NEVER END UP LIKE HIM OR HER. THE TRUTH IS IF YOU DON'T START CONTROLLING YOU ACTIONS AND THE THINGS THAT YOU EXPOSE TO THE MIND NOW, YOU CAN VERY WELL BE JUST LIKE THAT PERSON. DID YOU THINK THEY KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO END UP THAT WAY. THEY PROBABLY TRIED IT ONE TIME AND IT FELT SO GOOD TO THE BODY THAT THEY CAN'T STOP WANTING IT NOW. THEY KNOW IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THEM. THEY KNEW IT WAS BEFORE THEY TRIED IT BUT SOME HOW THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD CONTROL. I MEAN THAT GOES FOR ANYTHING, DRUGS, FOOD, LIQUOR , SEX, CIGARETTES, GOSSIP, LUST, CANDY, GAMBLING, THROWING UP YOUR FOOD. ANYTHING.

THE devil IS A LIAR. HE COMES TO KILL ,STEAL AND DESTROY. KILL YOU RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD, STEAL YOUR JOY FROM THE SPIRIT, AND DESTROY YOUR SOUL. DO YOU THINK IF YOU ARE HAPPY, YOU WOULD CHANGE YOUR WAYS... NO THAT'S WHY HE HAVE TO TAKE THAT HAPPINESS AWAY TO MAKE THE SPIRIT WEAK. I USE TO FALL FOR IT A LOT. I KNOW NOW THOUGH, I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES FOR MY SELF TO KEEP ME FROM FALLING IN THE devil's DITCH. IT'S EASIER SAID THEN DONE BUT WHEN YOUR MIND IS MADE UP AND YOURE TIRED OF PEOPLE RAINING ON YOUR PARADE, PULLING YOU OFF YOUR SQUARE, AND HURTING YOUR EELINGS. YOU'LL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER TO KEEP YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. AND HOPE THAT THEY GET THERES TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW I LOOK AT MYSELF AND OTHERS SOMETIMES. IT'S LIKE A LOOSE, LOOSE SITUATION FOR ME TO TRY TO PLAY IN THE devil's COURT YARD WITH A SPIRIT OF GOD. I DON'T BELONG THERE, THERES NO TRUE LOVE TO RECIPROCATE THERE, THERE IS NO FAITH, THERE'S NO HOPE, NO TRUTH. HOW DO I PLAN TO MAKE IT THERE IT'S LIKE BEING AN HONEST GANGBANGER OR A SINNER WITH MANNERS. IT JUST DON'T WORK. I CAN'T SERVE TWO MASTERS. OR CONNECT WITH PEOPLE WHO AREN'T ON THE SAME PAGE AS ME. IT'S BAD INFLUENCE, TOO COMFORTABLE FOR ME TO SIN. BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED TO KEEP THE devil OUT OF MY LIFE. TO KEEP GROWING EVIL SPIRITS OFF OF MY BACK, TO KEEP MY SPIRIT FUNCTIONING, HAPPY AND CLEAN. I LOVE SMILING DAILY BEING ABLE TO REFLECT ON THE THINGS THAT GOD PROVIDES IN MY LIFE. TRUE JOY, THERE JUST BECAUSE GOD SITS ON THE THORNE. NOTHING SPECTACULAR HAD TO HAPPEN, I'M NOT SMILING BECAUSE I GOT A CHECK OR MY BOYFRIEND WAS OVER LAST NIGHT BUT THAT JOY YOU HAVE JUST BECAUSE GOD STILL SITS ON THE THRONE. IMAGINE THAT!!!!!

LETTING GO

WOW THE AFFECTS OF MUSIC!!! I SAT IN MY SISTER'S CAR YESTERDAY READING, STARTING WITH PSALMS( WHICH IS A GOOD BOOK TO START OFF READING). I READ FOR A WHILE, THEN I STARTED LISTENING TO THE MUSIC SHE WAS PLAYING. ALL THE JAMS FROM THE OLDIES TO THE GOODIES. EVERY SONG SWAYED A MEMORY AND I EITHER STARTED REMINISING ON THE OLD DAYS OR MISSING THE MAN WHOSE NO LONGER IN MY LIFE. ONE SONG I BEGAN TO FEEL SAD, ANOTHER HAPPY, THE OTHER ONE SPITEFUL ANOTHER ONE READY. EVERY MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP I MOSTLY PLAY "IT AINT OVER" AND MARY MARY "IT'S THE GOD IN ME". THOSE SONGS JUST INSPIRES ME IN THE MORNING REGARDLESS OF WHAT'S BEEN OR WHAT' S TO COME. THE MIND HAS TO BE A POWERFUL OBJECT BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHAT I STORE THERE, CONTROLS HOW I FEEL. I LAID MY HEAD BACK ON A COUPLE OF SONGS THINKING ABOUT MY EX AND THINKING ABOUT HOW FUN THOSE DAYS WERE. SHOULD I LIVE BASED ON MY PAST? HOW DO I LET THE PAST GO? I KNOW THE BIBLE SAYS DONT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW FOR TOMORROW WORRIES ABOUT ITSELF. BUT WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YESTERDAY? SHOULD I WONDER IF I'M EVER GOING TO GET BACK WITH THE MAN I LOVE? SHOULD I WONDER IF HE LOVED ME? SHOULD I WONDER IF MY CHILDS FATHER IS EVER GOING TO BE A FATHER TO HER? I'M THINKING TO MYSELF NO BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT BUT WHAT DOES GOD SAY? NATURALLY I WORRY BUT THE CRAZY PART IS I'M JUST REALIZING THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER NOTHING BUT WHAT GOD GAVE ME AND THAT'S CHOICE OVER MY LIFE. WHY DO I WORRY ABOUT THE THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL ,BUT NOT ABOUT THE THINGS THAT I CAN? SOMETIMES I FEEL SO STUPID FOR THE CHOICES I MADE IN THE PAST WITH MEN. AND IT'S SEEMS SO HARD FOR ME TO GET OVER THIS ONE. I USE TO ALWAYS SAY DID HE REALLY LOVE ME? WHAT IS LOVE? HOW IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH? I KNOW IM A GOOD WOMAN I KNOW I HAVE FLAWS TOO BUT WORKABLE ONES. I HAD TO ASK MYSELF WHY AM I CHASING SOMETHING THAT I KNOW IS NOT GOOD FOR ME. I ALWAYS SEEN GOOD IN HIM I THINK THAT HE HAVE A GOOD HEART BUT HIS GOOD POTENTIALS WASN'T FOR ME. I GUESS HE SAVED THEM FOR THE WOMAN HE'S WITH NOW. ALTHOUGH WE ARE NOT TOGETHER I STILL LOVE HIM AND PRAY THAT HE KEEPS GOD IN HIS HEART, BUT WHY AND WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TO? SERIOUSLY IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS MY DREAM GUY.. LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY, SENT ME FLOWERS, SPOILED ME, WENT TO CHURCH WITH ME, TOOK ME ON DATES. WE DID HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL THOUGH WE TALKED, ARGUED AND PARTIED TOGETHER BUT FROM WHAT I CAN SEE HE WAS SEEKING JUST LIKE I WAS. I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS POTENTIALS THAT I SEEN HE COULD BE AND THE MORE I TRIED TO GET HIM TO BECOME THAT THE WORST IT BECAME. I SOMETIMES THINK LIKE IT'S OKAY I'M GOOD, I KNOW I AM A GOOD WOMAN. I KNOW THAT I WILL SUCEED IN LIFE, I KNOW THAT I WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO AGREES WITH ME. BUT THE TRUTH IS WHEN IT'S ALL SAID AND DONE I STILL MISS HIM, WILL STILL TAKE HIM BACK KNOWING DEEP DOWN THAT IT WOULDN'T WORK FOR US UNLESS WE CHANGE. WHY IS THAT? WHAT AM I HOLDING ON TOO? HOW COME IF I KNOW I DESERVE BETTER THEN I SETTE FOR LESS. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE OLD DAYS WHEN MEN AND WOMEN USE TO DATE AND EVEN IF THEY WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP THEY DIDNT HAVE TO LIVE TOGETHER. WHEN THEY REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH EACHOTHER WHEN THEY WERE IN LOVE THE MAN PROPOSED? WHY IS IT SO MUCH DIFFERENT NOW? HOW CAN PEOPLE JUST KNOWING MESS OVER A WOMANS HEART AND DON'T HAVE ANY REMORSE.WITH HIM I FELT LIKE I HAD A SECOND JOB CATERING, BUT WASNT RECEIVING NOTHING IN RETURN BUT TO SAY I HAVE A MAN. BACK THEN WHEN THE WIFE HAD THOSE DUTIES OF COOKING , CLEANING AND DOING THE LAUNDRY, BATHEING THEIR HUSBANDS. THE MEN BROUGHT IN THE INCOME SO THAT MADE SINCE BUT NOW DAYS YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THAT AND WORK JUST AS MANY HOURS AS THEY DO. HOW IS THAT FAIR I GET TIRED TOO, I WOULD LIKE FOR MY BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND TO COOK FOR ME ONE DAY. WHY AM I CHASING SOMEONE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT? WHY DO I DEGRADE MY SELF TO PUT UP WITH SOMEONE WHO MAY NOT EVEN LOVE ME. I HAVE NEEDS, I NEED A MAN WHOSE PREPARED TO BECOME A HUSBAND AS WELL AS A FATHER. I COME IN A PAIR JAKYRA AND I. I NEED A MAN WHO LOVES GOD AND NOT ONLY HIMSELF. I DON'T KNOW IF IM PREPARED YET BUT I DEFINITELY KNOW THAT I AM TIRED OF HOLDING ON TO MESS. I KNOW NOW THAT GOD HAVE A BETTER PLAN FOR ME, AND NO GOOD THING WILL HE HOLD FROM ME AND I HAVE TO LEARN TO TRUST THAT AND TO WAIT ON GOD. I WANT THE LOVE THAT HE DESCRIBE IN THE BIBLE ABOUT LOVE BEING PATIENCE, CARING AND WHAT LOVE IS NOT. I ONCE READ THAT "IF A MAN WANTS YOU THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO PUSH HIM AWAY, AND IF A MAN DOESN'T WANT YOU THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE HIM STAY".

Upholding My Position

WELL YESTERDAY WAS A MESS. (SMH) I ASKED MY SELF THIS MORNING WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT WRITNG TODAY. I SAID "WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE A TITLE BUT I CAN'T FILL THE POSITION". I'VE NEVER REALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE TITLES I UPHOLD IN MY LIFE. I'M A CASEMANAGER, I'M A SUPERVISOR, I'M A MOTHER, AN AUNTIE, A SISTER, A BIG COUSIN, A FRIEND, A CHURCH MEMBER, A CHRISTIAN. THOSE ARE MY TITLES BUT AM I FILLING THE POSITIONS THAT GOD HAS REQUIRES ME TO DO. IT IS SOOOO EASY TO DO WRONG ESPECIALLY WITH OTHERS WHO ARE DOING WRONG, BUT I SEEN AND WAS TAUGHT A LESSON LAST NIGHT. I'M NOT PROUD TO TELL THIS BUT I AM PROUD TO SAY WHAT I LEARNED. IT WAS SO NICE OUT YESTERDAY THAT WE ALL DECIDED TO BARBEQUE. I CARRIED MY BIBLE IN MY PURSE YESTERDAY SO I COULD AT LEAST STARTING READING SOMETHING DAILY. WHEN WE GOT TO THE GROCERY STORE I JUST OPENED THE BIBLE I SAID TO MY SELF, " DANG I NEED A BIBLE THAT HAVE THE SUBJECTS IN THEM TOWARDS WHAT YOURE FEELING". I WAS FEELING ANGRY OR AGITATED FOR SOME REASON. I READ PSALMS 18 ( WENT ABOUT THREE PAGES) NOT MUCH BUT IT'S A START. AND SPEAKING ON THAT YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT THE THINGS YOU FIND AND HOW YOUR ANSWERS THAT YOU ARE SEEKING ARE THE ONES THAT YOURE NOT READING. HAVE YOU EVERY NOTICED SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT YOUR SELF OR HAVE SOME BODY EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY LIKE OR ADMIRE ABOUT YOU? OR HAVE SOMEONE EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY DONT LIKE OR UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOU? AND TO ALL THE ABOVE YOU BE LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THAT, IT'S JUST "ME". I DONT KNOW WHY I LOOK AT THINGS THAT WAY "I GUESS THAT'S ME". I WAS RIGHT, THE WAY GOD DESIGNED ME IS EXACTLY WHO I'M SUPPOSE TO BE AND THAT WEIRD THING THAT I HAVE IS JUST THE VERY THING THAT MAKES ME SPECIAL. I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO USE IT RIGHT NOW OR WHERE IT APPLYS TO, BUT WHEN GOD POSITIONS ME AND I AM ABLE TO FULL THE DUTIES REQUIRED THAN THAT VERY THING ABOUT ME I WILL KNOW HOW TO USE. IT WILL SHOW IT'S PURPOSE. THAT'S CRAZY HOW I USE TO TRY TO DESIGN MY IMAGE TO FIT THE WORLD AND YET THAT WAS THE VERY REASON THAT I WAS CONFUSED. BACK TO YESTERDAY, WE STARTED DRINKING AND LAUGHING AND DRINKING. THE POLICE CAME AND TOLD US THAT WE HAD TO LEAVE IT WAS ABOUT 11:00 P.M. NOW I LOVE THOSE SPECIFC OFFICERS I REALLY DO I HAVE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM. THEY HAVE REALLY BEEN SUPPORTIVE TO MY FAMILY WITH ASSISTING WITH MY NEPHEW. I SHOWED THEM A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF MY SELF. I WAS ONCE TOLD IN BIBLE STUDY THAT YOU LOSE YOUR POWER WHEN YOU DRINK AND YOU REALLY DO. I DEFINITELY LOST MINE. AFTER THE OFFICERS ASKED US TO MOVE WE WENT TO STATE STREET AND CONTINUED TALKING AND CHILLIN. EVENTUALLY THE SARGEANT AND THE OTHER DETECTIVES CAME AGAIN. NOW MY AUNT AND I WERE SITTING IN THE CAR LISTENING TO THE RADIO. SHE WAS IN THE DRIVER SIDE (EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN'T DRIVE), AND I WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. WHEN THEY PULLED UP THEY ASKED HER FOR HER LICENSE. I INSTANTLY CUT IN A SAID WHY DO SHE HAVE TO SHOW YALL LICENSE SHE JUST SITTING IN THE CAR. THEY TOLD ME TO MIND MY BUSINESS. ME CONTINUING TO TALK AND YELL (DRUNK, DRUNK, DRUNK) UNTIL I PISSED THEM OFF AND THEY ALL SAID CUFF HER SHE'S GOING TO JAIL. OH I DIDN'T CARE AT THE TIME (IM FULL OF LIQUOR), I KEPT YELLING TALKING BOUT I WILL GO TO JAIL JUST LET ME OUT FOR WORK TOMORROW (SILLY). THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE BECAUSE I HAD FAVOR WITH THEM. I WAS SO DRUNK I BLEW IT AGAIN ( JUST MAKING A FOOL OF MY SELF AND NOT EVEN REALZING IT). THE LADY LET ME OUT THE CAR AND SAID NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO. (WOW AS IM WRITING THIS IT IS STILL TRIPPING ME OUT) I SAID BOLDLY DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO . EVERYBODY IS SAYING JUST SHUT UP CHARITA BUT YOU COULDN'T TELL ME NOTHING I JUST FELT SO SINCERE WITH MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF. THEY THREW ME BACK IN THE CAR. WHEN THEY TOOK ME TO THE POLICE STATION. THEY STILL WERE TRYING TO TALK TO ME THEY HAD TO KNOW I WASN'T MY USUAL SELF. THE OFFICER EVEN EXPLAINED TO ME THE LAW (AFTER CALLING ME A SMART ASS) . HE WAS RIGHT, I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I WAS SURELY GOING TO LOOK THAT UP WHEN I GOT HOME. NOW THAT I AM SOBER I DON'T EVEN NEED TO LOOK IT UP IT MAKES SENSE. IT WOULD HAVE LAST NIGHT HAD I NOT BEEN INTOXICATED. I SEE NOW THOUGH, WHEN I AM DRUNK I ALLOW THE DEVIL TO USE ME, TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME SERIOUSLY. EVERY THING HE SLIPS IN MY MIND MAKES SENSE, SEEMS RIGHT AT THE TIME, IT'S NOT EMBARASSING AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. IT'S LIKE YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT ALL THE WRONG THINGS. I'M NOT SAYING THAT I WOULDN'T DARE THINK OF THINGS WHEN IM SOBER BUT I AM ABLE TO CONTROL THINGS BETTER. ONE OFFICER SAID SOMETHING TO ME LAST NIGHT THAT STUCK WITH ME. HE STATED I WAS NOT TALKING TO YOU, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET IN IT. I SAID I WAS SPEAKING FOR HER. HE SAID AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU. I THOUGHT TODAY HOW AM I'M GOING TO SPEAK FOR HER THAT NIGHT IN THE POSITION I WAS IN. HOW CAN I SPEAK FOR ANYBODY DOING THE EXACT SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING? I WAS BLENDING IN MORE WITH THE CROWD THAN STANDING OUT, AND THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE SUPPOSE TO HEAR ME OUT. (LOL WOW) I THOUGHT ABOUT GOD. HOW DO I EXPECT GOD TO GIVE ME A TITLE WHEN I CAN'T UPHOLD THE POSITION. I WANT THE JOB TITLE BUT CAN'T NO WON'T DO NONE OF THE JOB DESCRIPTIONS. LIKE HE OWES ME SOMETHING. HE'S GOD NOT ME AND HE'S NOT GOING TO TRUST ME WITH THE MANY GIFTS AND BLESSING THAT HE WANTS ME TO HAVE BECAUSE I'M NOT READY. THAT'S HOW I USE TO FEEL WITH MY COUSINS AND MY CAR. I WOULD LET ONE DRIVE BUT NOT THE OTHER. I DIDN'T MIND NEITHER OF THEM DRIVING HAD THEY BEEN PREPARED. ONE COUSIN HAD HER LICENSE, SHE DROVE SAFE, AND HAD SOME WHERE TO GO. SO YES I WOULD PUT MY KEYS IN HER HANDS AND TRUST HER WITH THEM. OH BUT THE OTHER ONE, HAD NO LICENSE, NO TRAINING, AND NO WHERE TO GO. NO NOT AT ALL WILL I GIVE YOU MY KEYS ,GO GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER FIRST. HE ACTUALLY USE TO BE MAD LIKE I WAS SUPPOSE TO GIVE HIM MY CAR CAUSE HE WAS JUST HIM. I'M THINKING NO, HELL NO, I WORK TO HAD FOR THIS AND IF YOU MESS IT UP YOU CAN'T REPLACE IT I WILL HAVE TO. THE NERVE OF ME HOW DO I THINK GOD FEELS. HIS PLAN I KNOW IS WAY BIGGER THAN MY CAR AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO DEFECT IT. THE SPIRIT THAT THE LORD SEND US WON'T DWELL IN AN UNCLEAN TEMPLE. WHAT HE GIVES ME IS PRICELESS AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO MISUSE IT. HERE I AM WANTING ANOTHER JOB, BUT HAVENT NEARLY FULFILLED THE DUTIES OF THE ONE I HAVE. AND I WANT GOD TO BLESS ME WITH A BETTER AND BIGGER POSITION. I WANT TO SPEAK FOR PEOPLE BUT ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING AND EXPECT GOD TO MOVE. IMMA FOOL RIGHT. I'M GETTING IT THOUGH. IN ORDER FOR GOD TO REVEAL TO ME MY PURPOSE I HAVE TO BE READY TO ACCEPT IT. IN ORDER FOR ME TO HEAR HIS VOICE I HAVE TO BE IN POSITION TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT HE'S TELLING ME. IF I WANT CHRIST TO USE ME I HAVE TO BE AVAILABLE, READY, PREPARED AND SOBER. I JUST CAN'T KNOW I CAN DO IT, I HAVE TO SHOW THAT I CAN DO IT THROUGH MY ACTIONS.I DEFINITELY OWE THOSE COPS AN APOLOGY AND AM NOT PLEASE WITH MY ACTIONS BUT NO DRINKING TODAY. THEY LET ME OUT TEN MINUTES AFTER I GOT TO THE STATIONS, GUESS I STILL HAD THEIR FAVOR. LESSONED LEARNED.LORD FORGIVE ME.