Upholding My Position

WELL YESTERDAY WAS A MESS. (SMH) I ASKED MY SELF THIS MORNING WHEN I WAS THINKING ABOUT WRITNG TODAY. I SAID "WHY DO I WANT TO HAVE A TITLE BUT I CAN'T FILL THE POSITION". I'VE NEVER REALLY TAKEN THE TIME TO TAKE A LOOK AT THE TITLES I UPHOLD IN MY LIFE. I'M A CASEMANAGER, I'M A SUPERVISOR, I'M A MOTHER, AN AUNTIE, A SISTER, A BIG COUSIN, A FRIEND, A CHURCH MEMBER, A CHRISTIAN. THOSE ARE MY TITLES BUT AM I FILLING THE POSITIONS THAT GOD HAS REQUIRES ME TO DO. IT IS SOOOO EASY TO DO WRONG ESPECIALLY WITH OTHERS WHO ARE DOING WRONG, BUT I SEEN AND WAS TAUGHT A LESSON LAST NIGHT. I'M NOT PROUD TO TELL THIS BUT I AM PROUD TO SAY WHAT I LEARNED. IT WAS SO NICE OUT YESTERDAY THAT WE ALL DECIDED TO BARBEQUE. I CARRIED MY BIBLE IN MY PURSE YESTERDAY SO I COULD AT LEAST STARTING READING SOMETHING DAILY. WHEN WE GOT TO THE GROCERY STORE I JUST OPENED THE BIBLE I SAID TO MY SELF, " DANG I NEED A BIBLE THAT HAVE THE SUBJECTS IN THEM TOWARDS WHAT YOURE FEELING". I WAS FEELING ANGRY OR AGITATED FOR SOME REASON. I READ PSALMS 18 ( WENT ABOUT THREE PAGES) NOT MUCH BUT IT'S A START. AND SPEAKING ON THAT YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT THE THINGS YOU FIND AND HOW YOUR ANSWERS THAT YOU ARE SEEKING ARE THE ONES THAT YOURE NOT READING. HAVE YOU EVERY NOTICED SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT YOUR SELF OR HAVE SOME BODY EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY LIKE OR ADMIRE ABOUT YOU? OR HAVE SOMEONE EVER TOLD YOU SOMETHING THEY DONT LIKE OR UNDERSTAND ABOUT YOU? AND TO ALL THE ABOVE YOU BE LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THAT, IT'S JUST "ME". I DONT KNOW WHY I LOOK AT THINGS THAT WAY "I GUESS THAT'S ME". I WAS RIGHT, THE WAY GOD DESIGNED ME IS EXACTLY WHO I'M SUPPOSE TO BE AND THAT WEIRD THING THAT I HAVE IS JUST THE VERY THING THAT MAKES ME SPECIAL. I MAY NOT KNOW HOW TO USE IT RIGHT NOW OR WHERE IT APPLYS TO, BUT WHEN GOD POSITIONS ME AND I AM ABLE TO FULL THE DUTIES REQUIRED THAN THAT VERY THING ABOUT ME I WILL KNOW HOW TO USE. IT WILL SHOW IT'S PURPOSE. THAT'S CRAZY HOW I USE TO TRY TO DESIGN MY IMAGE TO FIT THE WORLD AND YET THAT WAS THE VERY REASON THAT I WAS CONFUSED. BACK TO YESTERDAY, WE STARTED DRINKING AND LAUGHING AND DRINKING. THE POLICE CAME AND TOLD US THAT WE HAD TO LEAVE IT WAS ABOUT 11:00 P.M. NOW I LOVE THOSE SPECIFC OFFICERS I REALLY DO I HAVE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM. THEY HAVE REALLY BEEN SUPPORTIVE TO MY FAMILY WITH ASSISTING WITH MY NEPHEW. I SHOWED THEM A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF MY SELF. I WAS ONCE TOLD IN BIBLE STUDY THAT YOU LOSE YOUR POWER WHEN YOU DRINK AND YOU REALLY DO. I DEFINITELY LOST MINE. AFTER THE OFFICERS ASKED US TO MOVE WE WENT TO STATE STREET AND CONTINUED TALKING AND CHILLIN. EVENTUALLY THE SARGEANT AND THE OTHER DETECTIVES CAME AGAIN. NOW MY AUNT AND I WERE SITTING IN THE CAR LISTENING TO THE RADIO. SHE WAS IN THE DRIVER SIDE (EVEN THOUGH SHE CAN'T DRIVE), AND I WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT. WHEN THEY PULLED UP THEY ASKED HER FOR HER LICENSE. I INSTANTLY CUT IN A SAID WHY DO SHE HAVE TO SHOW YALL LICENSE SHE JUST SITTING IN THE CAR. THEY TOLD ME TO MIND MY BUSINESS. ME CONTINUING TO TALK AND YELL (DRUNK, DRUNK, DRUNK) UNTIL I PISSED THEM OFF AND THEY ALL SAID CUFF HER SHE'S GOING TO JAIL. OH I DIDN'T CARE AT THE TIME (IM FULL OF LIQUOR), I KEPT YELLING TALKING BOUT I WILL GO TO JAIL JUST LET ME OUT FOR WORK TOMORROW (SILLY). THEY TRIED TO GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE BECAUSE I HAD FAVOR WITH THEM. I WAS SO DRUNK I BLEW IT AGAIN ( JUST MAKING A FOOL OF MY SELF AND NOT EVEN REALZING IT). THE LADY LET ME OUT THE CAR AND SAID NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO. (WOW AS IM WRITING THIS IT IS STILL TRIPPING ME OUT) I SAID BOLDLY DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO . EVERYBODY IS SAYING JUST SHUT UP CHARITA BUT YOU COULDN'T TELL ME NOTHING I JUST FELT SO SINCERE WITH MAKING A FOOL OF MYSELF. THEY THREW ME BACK IN THE CAR. WHEN THEY TOOK ME TO THE POLICE STATION. THEY STILL WERE TRYING TO TALK TO ME THEY HAD TO KNOW I WASN'T MY USUAL SELF. THE OFFICER EVEN EXPLAINED TO ME THE LAW (AFTER CALLING ME A SMART ASS) . HE WAS RIGHT, I WAS TELLING HIM THAT I WAS SURELY GOING TO LOOK THAT UP WHEN I GOT HOME. NOW THAT I AM SOBER I DON'T EVEN NEED TO LOOK IT UP IT MAKES SENSE. IT WOULD HAVE LAST NIGHT HAD I NOT BEEN INTOXICATED. I SEE NOW THOUGH, WHEN I AM DRUNK I ALLOW THE DEVIL TO USE ME, TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME SERIOUSLY. EVERY THING HE SLIPS IN MY MIND MAKES SENSE, SEEMS RIGHT AT THE TIME, IT'S NOT EMBARASSING AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. IT'S LIKE YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT ALL THE WRONG THINGS. I'M NOT SAYING THAT I WOULDN'T DARE THINK OF THINGS WHEN IM SOBER BUT I AM ABLE TO CONTROL THINGS BETTER. ONE OFFICER SAID SOMETHING TO ME LAST NIGHT THAT STUCK WITH ME. HE STATED I WAS NOT TALKING TO YOU, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET IN IT. I SAID I WAS SPEAKING FOR HER. HE SAID AND LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU. I THOUGHT TODAY HOW AM I'M GOING TO SPEAK FOR HER THAT NIGHT IN THE POSITION I WAS IN. HOW CAN I SPEAK FOR ANYBODY DOING THE EXACT SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING? I WAS BLENDING IN MORE WITH THE CROWD THAN STANDING OUT, AND THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE SUPPOSE TO HEAR ME OUT. (LOL WOW) I THOUGHT ABOUT GOD. HOW DO I EXPECT GOD TO GIVE ME A TITLE WHEN I CAN'T UPHOLD THE POSITION. I WANT THE JOB TITLE BUT CAN'T NO WON'T DO NONE OF THE JOB DESCRIPTIONS. LIKE HE OWES ME SOMETHING. HE'S GOD NOT ME AND HE'S NOT GOING TO TRUST ME WITH THE MANY GIFTS AND BLESSING THAT HE WANTS ME TO HAVE BECAUSE I'M NOT READY. THAT'S HOW I USE TO FEEL WITH MY COUSINS AND MY CAR. I WOULD LET ONE DRIVE BUT NOT THE OTHER. I DIDN'T MIND NEITHER OF THEM DRIVING HAD THEY BEEN PREPARED. ONE COUSIN HAD HER LICENSE, SHE DROVE SAFE, AND HAD SOME WHERE TO GO. SO YES I WOULD PUT MY KEYS IN HER HANDS AND TRUST HER WITH THEM. OH BUT THE OTHER ONE, HAD NO LICENSE, NO TRAINING, AND NO WHERE TO GO. NO NOT AT ALL WILL I GIVE YOU MY KEYS ,GO GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER FIRST. HE ACTUALLY USE TO BE MAD LIKE I WAS SUPPOSE TO GIVE HIM MY CAR CAUSE HE WAS JUST HIM. I'M THINKING NO, HELL NO, I WORK TO HAD FOR THIS AND IF YOU MESS IT UP YOU CAN'T REPLACE IT I WILL HAVE TO. THE NERVE OF ME HOW DO I THINK GOD FEELS. HIS PLAN I KNOW IS WAY BIGGER THAN MY CAR AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO DEFECT IT. THE SPIRIT THAT THE LORD SEND US WON'T DWELL IN AN UNCLEAN TEMPLE. WHAT HE GIVES ME IS PRICELESS AND HE WON'T ALLOW ME TO MISUSE IT. HERE I AM WANTING ANOTHER JOB, BUT HAVENT NEARLY FULFILLED THE DUTIES OF THE ONE I HAVE. AND I WANT GOD TO BLESS ME WITH A BETTER AND BIGGER POSITION. I WANT TO SPEAK FOR PEOPLE BUT ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS THAT THEY ARE DOING AND EXPECT GOD TO MOVE. IMMA FOOL RIGHT. I'M GETTING IT THOUGH. IN ORDER FOR GOD TO REVEAL TO ME MY PURPOSE I HAVE TO BE READY TO ACCEPT IT. IN ORDER FOR ME TO HEAR HIS VOICE I HAVE TO BE IN POSITION TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT HE'S TELLING ME. IF I WANT CHRIST TO USE ME I HAVE TO BE AVAILABLE, READY, PREPARED AND SOBER. I JUST CAN'T KNOW I CAN DO IT, I HAVE TO SHOW THAT I CAN DO IT THROUGH MY ACTIONS.I DEFINITELY OWE THOSE COPS AN APOLOGY AND AM NOT PLEASE WITH MY ACTIONS BUT NO DRINKING TODAY. THEY LET ME OUT TEN MINUTES AFTER I GOT TO THE STATIONS, GUESS I STILL HAD THEIR FAVOR. LESSONED LEARNED.LORD FORGIVE ME.